A few weeks ago, I indicated that was I was building a section of the blog here dedicated to clients and potential clients who might be seeking the services of escorts. The first two sections were completed – How to Find a Provider, and Terms and Acronyms Used in the Escort Industry. I’ve now completed a draft of the third leg of the triad – Client Etiquette.
Feel free to read through this and offer any comments you feel appropriate, whether you’re a provider, client or former client, or someone who might be a client (or even if you just feel like saying something! lol). I’ll leave this open through the weekend, and then adopt it with recommended changes as the final version. Also keep in mind that, though I use the male client/female provider construct here, there can be any gender combination.
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Now that you’ve scheduled an appointment with your provider, there are some basic tips and etiquette you need to keep in mind before, during, and after your appointment. It’s important to keep in mind that you should defer to the provider’s web site if she has one. She’ll often have her own set of guidelines spelled out for you to help make your experience with her as good as it can be. The stuff I’m giving you here is an adjunct to that, or might be considered perhaps a minimum set of expectations.
Keep in mind also that these are guidelines for the way things are done in the United States. Things may be a bit different if you live in another country, especially in places where prostitution is legal or unregulated.
Working out the Details
Once your provider has cleared you through her screening process, she’ll contact you either by phone or e-mail to work out the details of your appointment. You’ll work out a specific time for your date, along with other pertinent details such as the location, how to get there, etc. In some cases, she might carry on a conversation with you (I do that to get a feel for my clients’ personalities, but some don’t).
DO NOT mention anything about sex or sexual services in your initial contacts with the provider if she does not provide a list of sexual services on her web site. If she does, then you can ask basic questions without getting dirty. Providers are there to provide companionship, and discussing sex for fees is solicitation (which is illegal, in the U.S. at least). If you wish to know what kind of experience you’ll have, read her reviews (if she allows them). If you get all porny, she’ll likely break off contact altogether. For most providers, it is acceptable to discuss your “interests” so long as they aren’t discussed in the context of sex (“I have a fetish for facials. Is that something you’d be interested in discussing?)
Appropriate subjects for conversation are a little about yourself, without getting graphic (don’t tell us how big your cock is), why you’re coming to town, what kind of plans you have, etc.
Don’t try to negotiate rates, unless she specifically mentions in her ads or on her web site that she’ll negotiate (very rare) . That’s the quickest way to turn a provider off – some will even leave if you attempt to try to get her to reduce what she’s charging. You don’t negotiate rates with your doctor, so don’t expect to with your provider.
And finally, don’t ask the provider for additional photos, or photos that show her face. The set she has on her web site are all that she’s willing to share with clients, and of course, we have to keep our faces hidden for our own safety and security (and) yours as well.
Dress
Dress as if it were a first date unless she has specified otherwise on her web site or in her conversations with you. Most believe that dressing business casual is just fine, but if you’re unsure just ask. She’ll be happy to tell you what she prefers. Obviously, if you’re going out to the symphony, to dinner, or to some special function, then what you wear will need to be appropriate for that function.
She’ll likely ask you how you want her dressed. If you have no preference, then just tell her to show up in something she’s comfortable in (or feels sexy in). Don’t ask her to dress “slutty” or some way that is going to attract attention on a first date. Once she gets comfortable with you, she may enjoy playing that way in the future, but she’s not going to show up on a random date looking like a whore.
Hygiene
Poor hygiene is perhaps a professional’s biggest pet peeve. You’d be surprised at how many clients don’t shower or spruce up before we show up. Remember – this is a date, and though it is a professional one, that doesn’t mean we should be the only one who expends some effort to clean up. Even if you’re booking a quickie (15 or 30 minute session), you should still at a minimum clean your pubic area/genitals if you believe sex may be involved.
Take a shower right before she arrives, shave, brush your teeth, etc. If going to an incall location, she may provide you with access to a shower. Ask if her web site doesn’t specify. If you’ve been at work all day and stop by to see her for an appointment, you’ll be expected to take a quick shower in most cases. Many providers have a basic set of toiletries available for your use.
Make sure you have fresh breath. Don’t eat garlic or onion right before I come over, please!! I try to avoid eating anything that has onion or garlic in it if I have an appointment that evening. Garlic is not something that is easy to mask, either, so even chewing a ton of gum isn’t going to hide it.
Many providers will not see smokers, or will at least prefer that you not smoke during sessions. Some don’t care. If her web site doesn’t specify, just ask. Again, not unlike garlic and onion, smoker’s breath is quite rancid to someone who doesn’t smoke. If you prefer a provider who doesn’t smoke, and her web site doesn’t specify, again, just ask. Those who do will usually be happy to refrain from smoking for a couple of hours before they come to see you.
If you’re intoxicated or high, your provider is likely to just turn around and leave. Dealing with someone who’s not in full possession of their faculties is a pain in the ass at best and is often dangerous for us and for you. If you’re expecting a provider, lay off the booze (light amounts of wine are fine, but don’t over do it).
Upon Her Arrival (for an outcall)
If she’s coming to your hotel or office, provide her with information such as where to park, which entrance to use, where the elevators are (you don’t want her wandering around looking for the elevators – that’s the best way to attract the attention of hotel security, and if she gets in trouble, usually you will, too!), and of course your floor and room number.
Have your identification ready if she requires it- some do, some don’t. Driver’s license or a passport both suffice. If she’s unable to verify you’re who you say you are, she might leave.
If she’s a GFE, then you can expect a light kiss when she walks in. If this is your first appointment with her, don’t try to DFK her the moment she walks in the door. She’ll likely be a bit anxious meeting someone new, and will want to take some time getting to know you a bit before she starts getting that intimate. You should follow her lead. If she wants to kiss you, she will (and some will – as with everything else here, your mileage may vary).
Always offer her a drink, even if it is just water (and have water available even if you plan to offer other types of drinks). Leave the bottles sealed. I’d never take a drink from a bottle that you handed me that had been opened – I have no way of knowing what’s in it. And while you aren’t the type of person who’d try to drug a provider, there are people out there who will. Water is important if you get physical – all of that exertion can be dehydrating.
Upon Your Arrival (for an incall)
If you’re seeing a provider at an incall location (whether it is a public place or her private quarters), please be on time, or contact her and let her know you’re going to be late. Keep in mind that she may have to reschedule you if you’re going to be too late, since she may have other clients scheduled after you. It’s incumbent upon you to be on time. Don’t arrive too early, either, because, as life has taught you, ladies need time to get ready; she wants to be completely beautiful before she sees you.
Be sure and park where she asks you to park. Some providers work out of their homes and specific parking protocol may help her keep from attracting too much attention to her work.
When she’s out of the room, don’t rummage through her stuff. It may seem strange to you for me to say that, but it’s not uncommon for clients to go hunting around the room when a provider goes into the bathroom. You’re in someone else’s house, so act like a guest.
Donation/Payment
The business transaction is an important part of the appointment, of course, and most providers are fairly particular about how they want that part handled. Again, follow her directions. Most will ask that you leave it in plain sight on a table in an unsealed envelope. A great way to make an excellent initial impression on your provider is to enclose it in a card of some type. If you don’t see specific instructions on her web site, just ask how she wants it handled BEFORE she arrives, either during a phone conversation or via e-mail if you’re communicating that way.
Do not discuss money at all during your appointment UNLESS you’re going to request an extension of her time, at which point there’ll be a discussion about appropriate compensation.
Your Companion
Your companion is a human being, with emotions, feelings, desires, and a life outside providing professional services to clients. Respect her, treat her as you’d expect to be treated. True, you are paying for her services, but that doesn’t give you license to treat her like dirt or non-human.
Respect her boundaries. If she doesn’t explain her boundaries (or menu) prior to your meeting, discuss that before things start getting sexual (not right off the bat), and work out a method of communicating so that if you do something she doesn’t like she can let you know. I prefer the use of safewords for this (and is a good idea for any sexual encounter, professional or private).
There are specific topics you should avoid bringing up. Don’t ask about her other clients, for example. Don’t ask about her private life, boyfriends/girlfriends, real name, what her family thinks about her work, etc. Talk about sports, what you do, the city, politics, or anything else that comes to mind. If she’s revealed personal information on her web site (such as a school she attended, favorite things, etc.), then those are good topics to explore as well.
Getting Comfortable
Once you’ve gotten to know one another for a few minutes, you’ll likely want to move on to other things. Either one of you can take the lead here. Typically, if you’re at her place, she’ll let you know it’s time to get comfortable. That’s your sign that it’s time to get undressed. If she’s come to you, generally, she’ll await a sign from you that you’re ready to begin playing. A good way to start that is to approach her and begin kissing.
If you’ve not seen an escort before, let her know on the front end. This will let her know that she might need to guide you through a couple of things. Everyone has a first time, and many of us enjoy providing that first experience for a new client. We understand that you’ll likely be nervous, and your provider will do whatever she can to make you as comfortable as possible.
Condoms are almost universally required for penetrative sex, though some providers will do bareback blowjobs. The escort will have a selection of different sizes with her, along with lube and perhaps a couple of toys as well. It is always a good idea to have a couple of your own condoms with you just in case, however.
Tipping, Gifts, Etc.
Like any other service profession, tipping is optional. Obviously, if you believe the service your provider offers is deserving of an additional gratuity, by all means offer one. And while cash is preferred, providers often appreciate gift cards to, well, just about any place, really.
One thing you may want to consider with an agency girl is that the agency is going to take a portion of her money, so she’s not going to be keeping everything you give her at the appointment (some agencies will take as much as half of what she gets from you). If you wish, a tip to help make up for the money she has to hand over is always appreciated, especially if she’s provided you with a good session.
It is always a warm gesture to give a provider a gift. Many escorts will have a section of their web site dedicated to suggestions for gifts. Some prefer you donate to a good cause (typically a non-profit organization or a charitable organization) rather than providing them with a gift. If your provider doesn’t specify, a rose or two or a small box of candies (without nuts – some are allergic) are always appreciated. If you’re going to bring a gift to her incall, don’t carry it out in the open where everyone’s going to see it (like a big bouquet of roses, for example). It’ll attract unwanted attention. Similarly, if she has to carry a huge vase and flower spray out of the hotel, it will attract attention. Since both you and her rely on discretion as a part of the encounter, you want to keep from drawing too much attention to her, even after she’s left you.
Agency vs. Independent
One of the most important differences between agency providers and independents is that, with an agency, you can usually have an escort come see you right away (or close to it). Their stable is on-call during working hours, so they’re always ready to go on a moment’s notice.
Independents tend to prefer some advance time to prepare, sometimes as much as 48 hours. I tend to book out as far as a month or so in some cases, though it is very rare for an escort to have that kind of pattern. Don’t expect to contact an independent provider and have her at your door within an hour or two.
What to do if the provider who shows up is not the one you booked
One of the more common tricks with some escorts and escort services is known as a bait and switch. You make an appointment with the person you’ve seen in an ad, and the one who shows up is not the one whose picture you were looking at. It is important that you check a provider’s reviews, or the agency’s reviews on TER, BD, or one of the forums where these things are discussed.
If this happens to you, you have two choices, basically. You can elect to go ahead with the appointment, in which case, so long as the particulars about the nature of the service and the costs remains the same (or don’t change enough to be a problem for you), you can just go on as if the provider you’d asked for had arrived. Once your appointment is over, if you elect to do reviews or participate in forums, you should let others know about the bait and switch.
If you don’t wish to continue on with the appointment, explain to her that she’s not the person you asked for and that you don’t wish to continue on with the appointment, and tell her she should leave (or leave yourself if you’re at her incall location). Normally, she’ll just leave and that’ll be the end of it. In some cases, however, she’ll tell you there’s a “cancellation fee” or something like that. If you refuse to pay it, often there’s a “driver” or security guy with her to help enforce payment. You’ll have to make the call about how to proceed. Often it’ll be best just to pay the cancellation fee and get on with life. Again, this is why I say it is important to check on a provider’s or agency’s reviews. You should definitely let others know about this situation on one of the forums that covers the state you’re in to ensure others don’t get caught in this.
The Appointment
Once all the preliminaries are taken care of and you get on with the appointment, just relax and have fun. Communicate with your provider – make sure you’re both on the same page about limits, then kick back and allow your provider to make your morning, afternoon, or evening something to remember. 
Every once in a while, a client will ask if he can photograph or videotape the encounter. Some providers will allow you to do this, and will usually state so on her web site. However, the vast majority of providers will not allow this (they could end up being outed as a working girl, to their detriment). You’re welcome to ask, but expect a strong no. Keep in mind that surreptitiously recording someone is a crime in most locations.
If you’ve booked an appointment of a longer duration (four hours or more), your provider is probably going to want to eat at some point. This generally means something outside the hotel room if you’re in such a place – being cooped up in a small room for so long gets a bit claustrophobic sometimes. You should also be aware that, for the “overnight” type appointments (typically 8-12 hours or longer, including multi-day appointments) many providers require a separate room to sleep in (if you’re in a hotel). So please take these things into consideration when doing your planning.
After the appointment
It’s a good idea to e-mail your provider (or her agency) and let her know you enjoyed your time together. This is a good way to keep the door open in case you’d like to book a future appointment with her.
If for some reason, the appointment didn’t meet your expectations, just don’t contact her again. There’s no need to send her an e-mail explaining why or giving her a list of things she did that you didn’t like. We’re all adults. Things don’t always go 100% as expected every time, so just chalk it up to experience and move on. If she works for an agency and you experienced some kind of problem, e-mail or call the agency and let them know, politely.
On occasion, you may like to rebook her and she may not wish to see you again. There could be a variety of reasons for this (lack of chemistry, she wasn’t comfortable with something you did, etc.). If you send an e-mail or call for another appointment, she’ll usually let you know that she doesn’t wish to see you a second time, or she may just not return your calls/e-mails. Again, we’re all adults, and as a professional she has to structure her business – her appointments – such that it is beneficial for her to do business. Just accept that she doesn’t wish to see you and go on with life, perhaps finding another provider.
If things go well, and the both of you decide the relationship was mutually satisfying, perhaps you’ll become regulars for one another, resulting in a long-term arrangement. You can both enjoy each others’ company for some time to come. If you wish to avail yourself of the services of other providers, ask the one you’ve seen if it is okay to use her as a reference. In many cases, future providers will allow you to use others you’ve seen as references in lieu of requiring a lot of background information or membership in an identity verification web site.
Finally, it’s also important to note that your appointment was the enactment of a fantasy. Even though your provider may have had a wonderful time, she’s not interested in booking time with you “off the clock.” This is a business for her and not a way to find personal dates or life partners.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Nice piece. I’ve always thought it was a helpful idea when showing up at an outcall, to carry something with you to make it appear you’re arriving for a professional reason. Briefcase, hardcover folder, or heck, even a vacuum cleaner, whatever. Especially helpful, i would imagine, if showing up at the providers house or apartment. Also helps provide some personal faux discretion, if you’re the paranoid type (like me) who assumes it’s obvious to everyone the real reason why you’re there, so it’s a win/win.
Pretty much everything I say regarding clients in Book 1 (and the latter section of Book 2). :)
To men reading this, most girls really will NOT condone discussion of sex. Even if you couch it as a “fetish” or general interest that’s usually enough to cut off communication. No sex talk at all — especially if her website/blog is non-sexual and you’re in the US. Nor do many like it if you discuss sex during the appointment but before you do anything. It’s a red flag for some women. During sex you’re usually very welcome to offer suggestions or tell her what feels good to you. Just like when you’re with your girlfriend.
Understand this isn’t because US escorts are prudes but because we really REALLY do not want arrested and don’t like to connect sex/money. But all of us are okay with behaving like consenting adults.
Excellently written Alexa – I found it quite educational from a person who’s never been with an escort but is curious about the potential someday. Some of these “seemed” self-evident to me, but others I would have never guessed. Thanks for continuing to educate us on the other side of the bed.
Some of these “seemed” self-evident to me
That’s true, but there are some clients who lose their sense of common sense when it comes to booking an escort and engaging with her.
True I am sure – much like the men who lose their decency and courtesy towards a woman just because they are in a strip bar…
Something I shall keep in mind should I ever take the plunge on that expensive call-girl weekend
I enjoyed “Getting Comfortable”. I would often say “let’s get dressed” or similar.
Great Etiquette, I’d also like my clients to act in this way (fortunately, most of them do). Although I sometimes enjoy talking about personal things, as long as it’s not data like my name, where i live and so on.
Although I sometimes enjoy talking about personal things
Yeah, one bad thing about trying to write something like this is the interpersonal dynamic that occurs between two individual human beings. You may not feel comfortable doing X with one client, but for the next it may be different. So it’s kind of hard to make all of these into a “hard coded” kind of thing. That’s the reason I qualified it with a “your mileage may vary” kind of statement. These are meant to be helpful guidelines, but the specifics of your situation may vary depending on the provider.
Thanks, Sina.
With all that, and particularly with Amanda’s comment, how would one go about making a specific request? Particularly one where it might be too late if it’s made 20 minutes into a session after you’ve both gotten comfortable? In this case, i’m referring to the use of toys, but it could be applied to other requests i’m sure. Yes, i could bring my own, but knowing that girls don’t like the idea of “used” toys, i hate to spend $25 on a new vibrator every time i meet someone for the first time, that might only get used once – especially if she has one she could bring if i could only get the point across that i’d like her to do so. And assuming she’ll automatically bring 1 or 2 is a crapshoot. And the mere possibility that she’ll bring one is just another reason why i’d hate to spend $25 buying a new one.
So what’s a guy to do?
I usually just wait for the repeat visits for things to get really good. I am personally nervous enough as it is with someone new and just go with the flow. I think on the question you mentioned one should stick with the reviews and research, and wait till the session is started before making such requests.
Randy is right. Pretty much the only thing you can do is rely on reviews and comments from others in forums/boards covering the part of the country you’re in. As Amanda pointed out, most of us won’t discuss anything related to sex during preliminaries for fear of being entrapped.
Wonderful piece, thank you!
There are two things you mention that have always puzzled me:
1. Why do SO many guys ask for “more pics”- usually regardless of how many I’ve already sent them? What more could they possibly glean from yet another shot of me in lingerie? What’s the psychology here?
2. Why do people INSIST on asking me what my real name is? Does it matter? I mean, if a lady introduces herself with one name, isn’t it kinda rude to attempt to pry more names out of her?
I’m just curious on your thoughts (and other people’s thoughts). This is the kind of thing every provider comes across, I’ve realized. I can’t understand it, though.
The idea of more pictures seems a sort of no-brainer to me ( yes I’m a guy).. We are visually stimulated. Its the way we are wired. Otherwise web sites, strip clubs, etc. would be out of business in a week. :) We are truly turned on by looking. I’m in my late 50’s, Married for 30 years, I still look going down the street, or walking through the mall. So I’m either an old perv ( that’s OK ) or I’m like every other guy and love to look, and watch. The sway of the hips, the shape of the legs, the arch of the neck, the hair across her face, her gait, her stance and the center of balance, her posture, her outward “attitude”. They are all interesting and all a potential turn on. It’s instinct, that’s why you hear it alot. Don’t let it bother you. Just smile, realize he has self identified as a typical male and, say NO.
Good response on the issue about the pictures, ETnboy.
Audrey, as for the real name issue, many guys (many people, actually) like to feel as if they’re an “insider” or possess some unique piece of information that others don’t have. It makes them feel special that the provider would trust the client with that information.
It’s sad to say, but there are also the occasional client who files that information away in case he wants to use it to extort or “punish” the provider by releasing or threatening to release that information publicly.
Ha, I’ve always thought of myself as visually stimulated, but it would never even occur to me to ask a potential sex partner to send me more and more pictures. I’d much rather just see it all at once when we’re naked together! I guess it must be some sort of intrinsic difference between genders.
Yeah, I guess I see the element of wanting to feel “special” on the name issue, as if the companion trusts him more than she trusts other guys.
I think this is one of those junctures where the fantasy we’re creating for the client rubs up against reality. It’s hard to explain to a person that he is special and wonderful *during the hour that he paid me for*, and when it ends, I go back to my real life and he’s no longer the main focus of my attention, so there’s no need for him to know my real name.
Sometimes it can be hard to reconcile my affection for the clients with the fact that I have a separate, personal life which doesn’t include them in any way.
Alexa,
This is excellent.
But, it doesn’t address an issue I’ve been thinking quite a bit about recently: the decorum surrounding STI checks. Is it appropriate to ask your provider whether or not she is tested regularly – or even go so far as to request a printed record of health?
I’m ambivalent on this question…
Antonella, that’s an excellent question. I don’t mind being asked, and probably wouldn’t mind showing them the results (so long as the copy I had didn’t have my real name on it).
Any other providers have thoughts on this?
Also, Antonella, I added your blog to my blogroll.
ditto :)
Alexa,
Just like your philosophy on sex education.. Here is your very frank discussion on “how to”. Good job. I’ve never had a provider/client relationship. Been curious for awhile and had some very specific questions. You answered them all. I’m sure Amanda covered them but I would not typically purchase a book written about becoming an escort ( too old, too ugly etc :) ) The things you can’t cover are the details that arise within any relationship, and those have to be worked out in “real time” with maturity and manners. The arena of desires, limits, special requests all seem to fall within the arena of a “continued” relationship where as the comfort and trust level is established other items can be introduced or discussed. Does that sound right?
Thanks again
The arena of desires, limits, special requests all seem to fall within the arena of a “continued” relationship where as the comfort and trust level is established other items can be introduced or discussed. Does that sound right?
Yes, it does. As I mentioned in one of my responses above, it’s hard to codify everything that can take place within the context of every pairing. There are just too many individualities that come into play when you’ve got two human beings connecting in some way to be able to do that in a short piece.
And, I know for me, some of that is part of the fun of getting to know and play with a regular client.