I am a sex worker and I am not ashamed of what I do. My parents and most of my friends don’t know that I make money selling sex, however. When people ask me why I don’t tell the people I am close to about how I earn my living, I have to explain that I keep it a secret primarily to protect them, not me. If it becomes known that someone in the family is a prostitute, my family would likely be ostracized because of what I’ve chosen to do. For many workers, of course, personal shame is a major concern as well.
This is about a hooker — a prostitute, a whore — who met a John and it went sour. A risk of the trade. Lets quit pretending he killed some poor innocent. [Comment left by an asshole on a news story about the murder of Julissa Brissman in Boston on April 16th, 2009]
The stigma associated with sex work is strong; perhaps stronger today than it has been at just about any other time in history. We face a constant struggle with the stereotype of the sex worker as a drug-addicted, sexually-abused individual who can’t find a “real” job, and has to allow his/her body to be used by clients in order to “make ends meet.”
While that archetype may be representative of a few of us, the reality is that, like any other profession or line of work, the collective does not lend itself to monolithic characterization as many would have you believe. Sure, some sex workers are drug-addicted. So are some stockbrokers, attorneys, politicians, and burger flippers. And yes, some sex workers were sexually abused at some point. So were some hairdressers, police officers, actresses, and computer operators. And of course most sex workers do what they do to pay the bills. So do most janitors, nurses, cab drivers, and planners. I think you can see the pattern here. Society doesn’t demonize any of those occupations simply because some of their practitioners suffer from some personal foibles. Sex work is different, of course, because, well, it involves sex.
It’s no surprise that sex work is so stigmatized, given the manner in which we as a culture deal with the concept of human sexuality as a whole. In the United States it is next to impossible to have a rational, intelligent discussion about anything involving the subject, in fact. If you don’t believe me, attend a public meeting about what flavor of sex education is to be taught in a public school. Despite overwhelming evidence that comprehensive sex education is much better at equipping teenagers to deal with the realities of sex and relationships, we still have ideologues who are more concerned about imposing their belief system on young people, dooming many to sexual ignorance and the potential for life-long harm. To hear them talk, teaching a teenager how to use a condom is tantamount to forcing them to have sex.
Or attend a hearing about a business license for a store that will sell a few sex toys. You’d think that everyone in the community would turn into instant perverts and start sexually abusing children if the shop opened, to hear some of the people who show up to “testify” at these hearings. And they’ll make these assertions despite not one single instance of anything like that ever having come to fruition. But few people have the intestinal fortitude to stand before such a group and call them on their bullshit.
It’d be nice to have the occasional politician or sociologist stand up and speak out on behalf of sex workers and the value we bring to society. As Dr. Marty Stein outlined in his book, America’s War on Sex, however, people just don’t have the balls to stand up for anything that appears to positively represent sex for fear of being labeled a pervert of some type. This includes promoting the decriminalization of prostitution or speaking up about the rights of sex workers. In most places, it would be political suicide for a politician to stand up in public and advocate anything that reflected positively on sexuality, especially the decriminalization of prostitution. Only in the very liberal (read: progressive) city of San Francisco would you find that (and perhaps a few places in Nevada).
That’s sad because, in many countries where prostitution has been legalized, sex workers don’t face the kinds of mistreatment and ostracization that we do here in the United States. The experience in New Zealand demonstrates that decriminalization can have a positive effect upon culture and the lives and safety of sex workers and their clients. While you don’t see sex workers being awarded Medals of Honor there, law enforcement still treats crimes against them as though they were crimes against anyone else, unlike what happens here in many cases. And admitting to being a sex worker in New Zealand isn’t met with that wide open, gaping mouth that one would likely encounter in this country. Sex work is on the road to being seen as a legitimate occupational avenue, just as is any other line of work.
The way a society treats sexuality and the way it treats prostitution are inextricably linked. You can see this in every culture on the planet. In those where sex is treated as a healthy part of one’s humanity, the consensual selling of sex is not much different than selling any other service. These cultures tend to be much more robust and mature than those such as the United States, where sex is still something often laced with shame and guilt.
Until we as a society begin to treat sexuality rationally, we’re not going to see sex work lose its stigma any time soon, even if it is decriminalized. The best we can hope to do is use our voices, individually and collectively, to reach people – one person at a time if necessary – to change hearts and minds. We can’t rely on sociologists, politicians, or mainstream media to help us out.
While the occasional decent treatment afforded our line of work by the likes of CNBC is nice to see, the majority of what comes across as “reporting” on our industry is represented by hacks like Diane Sawyer with her faux empathy and the various other “exposes” on prostitution that you see during sweeps weeks on your local television station. And, sadly, many people drink that Kool-Aid, believing it to be representative of the totality of sex work. Those of us who actually work in the industry, of course, know better, and so we’re pretty much left to our own devices to convince people that what they’re seeing is, by any reasonable measure, a distorted view of the real world.
There are a significant number of sex workers who choose to document their lives and experiences through books, blogs, podcasts, and other venues such as Bound, Not Gagged. I think it is important that we do this to ensure our voice is heard over the din of those who discount what we do. People like Melissa Farley and her ilk insist that we’re all victims who are “trapped” or just don’t know any better. By communicating about our experiences and putting real faces to it (even if we have to hide them), we throw water on the flames these folks put in the minds of the average person on the street who just doesn’t know any better. I encourage you to visit some of the blogs and web sites I have linked under “Voyeuristic Indulgence” on my blog here. You’ll meet some of the incredible people who work in this business.
Sharing our experiences allows people to see us as real human beings with thoughts and feelings, pains and pleasures, substance and depth. They may begin to see that many of us are indeed not helpless, abused victims; that we can speak rationally and intelligently about being sex workers and how that fits into our lives, our hopes, and our plans for the future. I think it is important that we speak openly and honestly about what we do, via any venue available to us. That’s the only way anyone is ever going to be convinced that ostracizing us and treating us as second-class citizens is far more dehumanizing than how we earn a living could ever be.
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Family. With exception of my Grandmother and more distant relatives my family does know what I do. Im very aware of the affect my work could have on my Family, particularly my Father. We were once discussing the repercussions of certain people finding out. I said to him then that if he ever asked me to quit I would…completely.
“Bring it on :)” he replied. Great Father.
New Zealand. They conducted a review of our Prostitution Reform Act last year (5 years after it came into effect). It was a great report:
“The report indicates that the numbers have remained more or less the same since the Act came into force and that most sex workers are better off under the PRA than they were previously, which was the intention of the Act.”
“There’s no evidence of increased numbers of people being used in underage prostitution. In fact, the PRA has raised awareness of the problem.”
“The PRA has had a marked effect in safeguarding the rights of sex workers. Removing the taint of illegality has empowered sex workers by reducing the opportunity for coercion and exploitation.”
It also shatters several myths…you can read it all at my site.
Legalisation is definitely worth aspiring to.
Thank you for this. I love reading what sex workers have to say about their profession and why they do it. The reasons vary, of course. But I also love reading the motivation behind people that are having affairs, that are having abortions, or just about anything, really, that isn’t societally “acceptable.” Some of us can expand our minds and attempt to understand others’ motivations for doing certain things, while unfortunately many others cannot and never get past the “SHOCK, AWE, EW, NO, WRONG” reaction that they may have initially.
It’s sad, really. It’s the same way that I have gotten emails from readers telling me that my sexuality is immoral, calling me a slut, or calling me a baby killer after my abortion.
As a male who agrees with sex work being legalized I could be seen as a perv of some sort or at least biased by what you’ve stated here but, whatever. I actually tackled this subject in one of my most recent blogs and if you at least have a minute of time it would be cool if you checked it out. I honestly don’t think it’s healthy as Americans or any race/nationality to be so conservative to the point of claustrophobic about the subject of sex. To me, sex is as natural as listening to music. But that’s just me.
http://www.modernhooker.com/smirk.html
Hey don’t forget that if we are happy in our jobs we’re “deluded” or “nympho sluts”! We can’t just like the job because its good money or because it’s not as monotonous as data entry.
Christianity has a lot to answer for, and this makes it hard to change opinions. Most people believe things, not because they have come to a rational conclusion that something is true, but to signal group membership and loyalty. This is certainly the case with attitudes to sex, and porn, prostitution and homosexuality in particular, and it’s true whether we are talking about anti-porn feminists or homophobic Christians. Such people see even discussion of unorthodox views to be a threat to group cohesion. That is why it is impossible to have rational discussion about sex with so many people.
Christianity’s particular problem with sex stems from its view of the relationship of the soul and body. The soul is seen as nearer to God and more perfect than the body which is corrupt, and basically a threat to the soul and its aim to achieve a perfect union with God. Sex, being of the body, and being a physical act that can give transcendental experience is the biggest bodily threat to the soul. This is why Christianity is fundamentally, and to it’s core, anti-sex. This is the reason Western societies have such a problem with sex; we’re still battling with very deeply embedded cultural baggage bequeathed to us by Christianity, even those of us who are atheists.
I’m an atheist – or more precisely, I am a Naturalist. I believe that there is only one type of stuff; there is no “divine” substance, only natural stuff which obeys the laws of nature. Both my mind and body and made of the same stuff and obey the same laws. With this view it makes it absurd to think of sex as somehow corrupting – its a fundamental part of what I am. Although living a full and sexually satisfying life is still a huge challenge, it becomes a solvable problem, rather than a corrupting “temptation” to be overcome.
I think the challenge is therefore to help people realise that their sexuality is an integral part of what they are; it is not a corrupting feature which makes us imperfect and which we must strive to overcome. I have no idea how to do this, and its quite a challenge, as it goes against 2000 years of cultural indoctrination, and there’s the problem that people see even discussion of the issue as a threat.
To be honest, while I think what Alexa does is valuable, I’m skeptical about the chance of it changing the opinions of those who disagree; mostly its preaching to the choir. How many people who are opposed to prostitution read this blog, or would even give credence to Alexa’s experience if someone who reads it told them? The group loyalty instinct prevents them from rationally processing the information. The damaged attitudes to sex are just too deeply embedded in some people.
I’m sorry to end on such a negative note, because I enjoy reading this blog, and I’m glad that Alexa is writing it. But that’s where my reason leads me.
Sally,
Interesting stuff, and it confirms what most of us have suggested might happen here if prostitution was decriminalized. New Zealand’s approach is usually the model most of us point to when we look at what other countries have done.
Thanks for stopping by.
Britni,
Some of us can expand our minds and attempt to understand others’ motivations for doing certain things, while unfortunately many others cannot and never get past the “SHOCK, AWE, EW, NO, WRONG” reaction that they may have initially.
Indeed. Some people just have the inability to grasp how unique each person is as an individual, and there are those who are unable to see past their own biases. Of course, some of them will express shock or disdain, and then do it themselves, to wit, many politicians, religious figures, etc.
BP,
I honestly don’t think it’s healthy as Americans or any race/nationality to be so conservative to the point of claustrophobic about the subject of sex.
Anyone who examines the statistics here in the U.S. could come to no other conclusion than you’ve done. There’s a reason why we have the highest teen pregnancy and STD transmission rates in the developed world. There’s a reason why we have the highest abortion rate in the developed world. There’s a reason why we have the highest per capita rape rates in the developed world. And so on.
Missy,
Hey don’t forget that if we are happy in our jobs we’re “deluded” or “nympho sluts”! We can’t just like the job because its good money or because it’s not as monotonous as data entry.
OMG! Shhh! Don’t give away all the secrets!
Robert,
Most people believe things, not because they have come to a rational conclusion that something is true, but to signal group membership and loyalty. This is certainly the case with attitudes to sex, and porn, prostitution and homosexuality in particular, and it’s true whether we are talking about anti-porn feminists or homophobic Christians. Such people see even discussion of unorthodox views to be a threat to group cohesion. That is why it is impossible to have rational discussion about sex with so many people.
You’re exactly right.
The soul is seen as nearer to God and more perfect than the body which is corrupt, and basically a threat to the soul and its aim to achieve a perfect union with God. Sex, being of the body, and being a physical act that can give transcendental experience is the biggest bodily threat to the soul.
Which is ridiculous, since Christianity (indeed, religion of any type) is a creation of man.
With this view it makes it absurd to think of sex as somehow corrupting – its a fundamental part of what I am.
I agree with that as well. If we taught people that, imagine how much more satisfying not just our sex lives would be, but the entirely of our experience as humans.
I think the challenge is therefore to help people realise that their sexuality is an integral part of what they are; it is not a corrupting feature which makes us imperfect and which we must strive to overcome. I have no idea how to do this, and its quite a challenge,
Nor do I know how it could be done. The best we can do is continue to preach what we know to be the truth.
I’m skeptical about the chance of it changing the opinions of those who disagree; mostly its preaching to the choir.
I do know plenty of people who’ve held negative opinions of both dancers and prostitutes who’ve changed their opinions specifically because of me and others who’ve written about the subject. It is relatively rare, but I know it does happen.
We also see polling data that indicates that prostitution is becoming more “acceptable” in many ways. San Francisco is a good example. The recent Proposition K failed, but it still garnered over 40% support, which is far higher than polling the past had indicated. I firmly believe if they’d exempted streetwalking from being illegal, it would’ve passed handily. The more people are exposed to my writing (and that of others), and media that shows the reality behind what we do (like the CNBC show), the more they realize that it isn’t the stereotypical streetwalker archetype that predominates the industry and isn’t as “seedy” as they’ve been led to believe it is.
I appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.
Another well written post. You made several great points on various topics surrounding sex and sex work. I fully support sex workers who choose to be in the industry, and believe that prostitution should be decriminalized. I especially enjoyed your writing about New Zealand because I feel many of their policies are progressive and are more along the lines of my own beliefs.
I’m so grateful for your ability to write about this in such a calm, eloquent, and hopeful way. I’m honored to be listed on your blogroll.
Meaningful change happens slowly, and though it’s long overdue here, changing the mind of one fence-sitter at a time, is better than none.
I’ve a baby callgirl. I’ve barely touched into the industry for a few months.
I’ve started up a blog of my own and it’s things like this that I need to know more about.
God knows we’ve already heard about that dreadful Boston murder
Would love to talk with your personal to pick your brain and get some advice thrown my way.
As usual, you’ve written eloquently and passionately about a topic that I think deserves as much exposure as it can get. I am continually amazed and saddened by the things our society chooses to focus on as “the root of all evil” and yet ignores the things that if changed would make a huge impact on so many lives. Decriminalizing prostitution is really a no-brainer in my mind, but the fact that we as a country are so far from that highlights how far we are from being a mature and functioning society.
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