Peridotash has a post up asking sex workers to list three things they like about what they do and three things they dislike. Rather than post there, I thought I’d explain mine here so I can elaborate on them a bit more broadly. As I indicated when I first decided to get into this line of work, there are pros and cons to becoming an escort. The pros outweighed the cons at the time. Theoretically, those should roughly translate into likes and dislikes, right? Now that I’ve had a few months of experience, though, I thought it’d be nice to reflect upon how I view all of this at this point.
Three Things I Like
The Money
I’m not going to lie and say that the primary driving force behind selling my time and services is anything other than money. No one would believe me even if I did. I think that is true for the overwhelming majority of people who work at anything for a living, though. If they weren’t paid for what they were doing, most would be doing something else. Some are happier with what they make than others, of course, and would like to make more. In all honesty, if I wasn’t paid handsomely as I am for what I do, I’d likely be doing something else as well.
There’s an insane amount of money to be made providing sexual services if you do it correctly. I just got back from a ski trip with a client – my pockets enriched with a five-figure sum. I know it’s a common saying that “Where else can you make this kind of money as a woman,” but, really, where else can you make that kind of money as a human (of any gender) relative to the amount of time invested? Aside from screwing your investors, stockholders or the taxpayers out of “bonus” money for tanking your company, that is.
The Luxury of Setting My Own Schedule
I’ve only had one job in my short life where I had a hard-coded schedule. All of my other jobs have involved flexible schedules or were self-driven. This job is relatively unique in that I set my own schedule around the needs and desires of both myself and my clients. If I have something I want to do, I can simply decline to see a client at any given point. At just about any other time, I can be available to see them whenever they wish to include me in their schedule.
I have several other projects going on, and this flexibility allows me to work on all of them at my discretion. I have my web sites, I work in several different forums providing education and guidance on sexuality (almost all under different names, btw), and I help a few other people with projects they have going on. And then there’s graduate school and all of the studying and writing that I have to do to pass the courses I’m taking. And of course I have the writing that I do for this blog. Add on top of that all of the e-mails I have to keep up with, my Twitter addiction, Facebook, MySpace and other miscellany I involve myself with and you can see I have no shortage of things to do.
This job allows me to juggle all of these as I see fit, rather than having to force them to conform to an 8-to-5 workday or someone else’s scheduling demands. I am very fond of that.
Enjoying and Exploring My Own Sexuality (and That of Others)
As you’ve no doubt figured out, if you’ve spent any time at all reading me, I am a very sexual person. I think just about everyone who engages in sex work at this level has a fairly high sex drive and I see nothing wrong with using that toward your own benefit. The prospect of having sex with different people on a daily basis would be daunting to most people. Not me. Of course, engaging with too many people for work can be detrimental to your ability to do the job (physically and emotionally). I avoid that by not seeing more than one client per day, and then only four days a week.
Admittedly, many of my clients are pretty boring in bed, but the reality is that it is interesting to deal with people who have their own unique understanding (such as it is) of not only their sexuality but how they see me, the role I play, and the how they integrate the stereotype of the prostitute into the way they interact with me. I’m fascinated by human sexual interaction and this job provides me with fertile ground for studying how that interplay works on one level. So I see the work not only as an extension of my own sexuality but my own intellectual development as well.
I enjoy being physically sexual with someone and then being able to just go away and not have to worry about anything related to a relationship or worry about the other person’s expectations. Sounds like a guy, doesn’t it? But, then, I’ve always been accused of having a guy’s sexual drive (as if women didn’t have high sex drives).
I also enjoy the thrill of the job – of fucking someone for money – the slut persona associated with it, knowing that I walk by people making far less money than I do for simply making someone have an orgasm, and not allowing myself to be beholden to what someone else thinks my sex life ought to look like.
Three Things I Dislike
The Stigma
On PeridotAsh’s page, the overwhelming majority of women listed the societal stigma of being a prostitute as one of their dislikes, and I have to do the same. Because of this, I can’t be honest with many people about what I do, including my own parents and many close friends. In the future, when I fill out job applications (if I ever do – I hope to always be able to work for myself), I’ll have a gap that needs to be filled in with something. If I am honest and say that I was a prostitute, sex worker, or sexual services provider, my application would almost invariably be shit-canned right off the bat without the courtesy of being allowed to explain why I believe my work as a hooker might better qualify me for a job (excellent customer relations skills, anyone?). It’s just an unjustifiable instant removal of credibility. I’m not a liar or a thief, you know? I make an honest living at this. Fuckers.
I have a great many plans for my future, and sadly, sex work is incompatible with many of them. If I wanted to be a sex educator to adolescents, for example, my attempts to work with them would be met with “We don’t want a whore teaching our children about sex,” even with my degree in human sexuality. Ironically, unlike every other profession, sex education is one area where a lot of experience in the field is an instant disqualification for the job.
The Risk of Arrest and/or Acquiring a Disease
Another big dislike is the potential for direct negative consequences, largely being arrested or acquiring a disease that isn’t curable.
Being arrested doesn’t just mean going to jail for a few hours. There are all of the court appearances, testifying, public records, potential news stories, potential jail time involved, and the costs of the lawyer(s) and any fines. As a first offender, I’d likely get off without any jail time, but that’s not the larger issue. I’ve gone to great lengths to reduce my exposure to criminal charges. I even pay taxes on the money I earn (most higher end workers end up in jail because of tax evasion rather than actually selling sex). It’s all the hassle and the public exposure that would come from the arrest that is the source of my concern. I hate having that possibility hanging over my shoulder.
The risk of acquiring a disease is also something I have to think constantly about. I take as many steps as I reasonably can to ensure I don’t catch anything and get tested often, but the risk is ever present and can only be mitigated to a certain extent. Of course, that’s true even for unpaid sex, isn’t it? If I do acquire something incurable, it’ll be the end of my work in the field of selling sex. I’d not subject anyone else to that risk just to make some money.
The Potential for Not Being Able to Let Go
This is perhaps the one thing that concerns me most. I enjoy the work. Very much, in fact. So much so that I’ve intentionally avoided making close friends with other sex workers, many of them incredible women who I’ve found to be kind, strong, mature, intelligent people. I’m afraid if I form those close bonds, that would be one more thing that would pull me into staying in this line of work. I know some of them have been a bit put off by that and don’t understand why I take that approach, but there’s very little about this stuff that I dislike. I could easily see myself sticking around in the business if I don’t do everything I can to put myself in a position to leave when I need to. I’ve had several people ask me if I wanted to start an agency. Fuck, yeah, I do. I think I’d run a great escort agency. As I pointed out above, though, that conflicts with my current life trajectory as I have it planned out at this point.
The same thing even applies to porn. As I have also indicated before, I’d love to do porn. But, again, there’s that conflict with my future goals. I won’t even go take the tour of the Armory (where Kink.com films their videos) here because I’m afraid I’ll salivate over what I see and imagine myself being there at the mercy of Princess Donna’s whip. I’d be like, where do I sign?
I know what kind of effect these associations would have on me and staying away from them is my way of dealing with it. It has nothing to do with anyone personally, I can assure you. I have to do it to maintain my own sanity, but it pains me to separate myself from other women who continue to amaze and impress me.
So there you have it. With the possible exception of the last item, I don’t think this list surprises anyone, really. Like any other job, it has some good points and some bad ones. And, right now, the positive ones outrank the negative. 
- Q & A with Alexa – Session 1 I get a lot of interesting questions, in comments on...
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Another really good blog. So simple yet the discussions that this could generate are infinite. Kudos to PeridotAsh too.
I really wish you wouldn’t combine “The Risk of Arrest and/or Acquiring a Disease”. Those are two very different and distinct concerns for an escort – and they are not equal in their consequences.
If you ever do go to the Armory, however, I’d very much enjoy a post on that..or better yet, we can just go together
Excellent point about paying your taxes. I’m sure tax evasion makes a lot of sex workers into targets when the authorities would otherwise turn a blind eye to their activities.
NR,
I really wish you wouldn’t combine “The Risk of Arrest and/or Acquiring a Disease”. Those are two very different and distinct concerns for an escort – and they are not equal in their consequences.
This was about me, not other escorts. I lump them together as the two big negatives associated with my job.
Iman, if I ever do go you can count on a post about it.
And, Mick, you’re right, generally speaking. The fed can’t bust you for prostitution, so they use tax laws to prosecute sex workers.
The potential to not let go is interesting as I feel I’ve more than passed that point in my job. There are many perks and pitfalls to what I do. Frustrations, headaches, etc. But I’ve often found that of all things “freedom” tends to be one of the main reasons people will get stuck in a certain place. Setting one’s own schedule and not having a “boss” are major factors in that. I don’t have the flexibility you do, but the oversight is verrrry lacking, hence my freedom. Its been so long that I think when I relocate to another company and have someone put rules in place, I’ll tell them to shut it!
Also, smart on the paying of the taxes, Capone and Gotti proved that you can kill people and walk, but don’t pay taxes and yer ass is grass. Plus if you are also paying into Social Security, etc., then at least you’ve built that up. Assuming it’ll be around when we are 65!
Ultimately, whatever you wind up doing, *don’t quit writing*. You have real talent at the keyboard, and it’s going to continue to serve you well, I’m sure.
I agree with many of your reasons here, but I find it sad that you don’t interact with other people in the business because they might “pull me into staying in this line of work.” This business can be very isolating and it’s good to have a support network of friends in the industry that you can turn to. But even my friends who are in the industry wouldn’t try to keep me in the business if I wanted to get out. We’re all at different stages of our sex work careers, but it’s important to realize that if we need help, we have each other to rely on.
Couldn’t agree more. The one I am the more concerned overall is the letting go thing. And I don’t think the last item is that surprising at all, quite the opposite.
I wrote a while ago on similar aspects here, about the addictions bound to the job.
It’s hard to get out, and money is far from being the only thing that keeps you doing it, in general. For people who are not familiar with the business, I think your 3rd positive point is the one that would make them scratch their head. Not really that your enjoy exploring sexuality, but that it’s a thing that you find positive enough to be an escort and actually *enjoy* it, whether you consider it a good/noble/decent/condemnable thing or not.
And I also agree with Marc: don’t quite writing. You’re good.
Cheers.
H.
First Time I’ve seen your Blog.
Enjoyed it , intelligent and insightful and most of all interesting .
I will call again !
Marc,
Ultimately, whatever you wind up doing, *don’t quit writing*. You have real talent at the keyboard,
Thank you for that, sir.
SL,
But even my friends who are in the industry wouldn’t try to keep me in the business if I wanted to get out.
I’m not worried about them trying to or wanting to keep me in the business. I am worried about the bonds I form with them keeping me in it. It is me I am worried about here.
This business can be very isolating and it’s good to have a support network of friends in the industry that you can turn to. … We’re all at different stages of our sex work careers, but it’s important to realize that if we need help, we have each other to rely on.
I agree with you there. That’s one reason I enjoy the online community(ies) I am involved in. I realize that is not always a substitute for real-life interpersonal interaction, though.
H,
For people who are not familiar with the business, I think your 3rd positive point is the one that would make them scratch their head. Not really that your enjoy exploring sexuality, but that it’s a thing that you find positive enough to be an escort and actually *enjoy* it,
You’re right about people not being familiar with the business being surprised at that. A lot of that is the product of media portrayals of prostitutes as women who just lay there and let the john use them as a hole to get off into. And that is probably true for those who work on the low end to a degree.
Those of us who work in the middle and upper ranges, though, clearly enjoy being able to use our sexuality to make the money we do. To do that, in my opinion, you have to understand, embrace, and enjoy your own innate sexuality. Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to pull off the work at this level.
Mennard
Enjoyed it , intelligent and insightful and most of all interesting .
I will call again !
Thank you, sir. I appreciate your comments. Feel free to stop by any time.
great blog – quite insightful – i wondered what we’d see if clients answered this
Very interesting. I always enjoy reading and learning more about your job and your feelings about it. And kudos for paying your taxes on this income. From a legal standpoint, that takes a big hammer away from the feds.
Dear Alexa.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspectives. I find it fascinating all you do and all you are engaged with. Kudos to you.
On a personal note, I was watching or reading online maybe, about a porn star, that had a husband, a family life and they both were very happy. He was not in the porn film industry and he enjoyed her sensuality. Of course, he had as equal sex drive as well, so there had to be some give and take on the relationship, though I didnt’ read that portion.
As a mature man, who has built a career for myself. I work hard. If I could do that making people cum, well HELL, I’d be doing that in a MINUTE, in a heartbeat. So I totally understand. Also, …well this may sound odd…never mind, I’ll wait for another time.
If you ever come to Dallas, please let me show our town. I enjoy your sites, your writings. I too have a graduate degree and worked while doing that degree,just a couple of years back, so I know the hard work you are putting in to it. The applications well, you can always put “Entertainment Industry” winks.
Please feel free to write me back and I’d love to talk more about you, about your likes and dislikes.
Adios y suerte,
Diego de La Vega
You correctly noted: “Those of us who work in the middle and upper ranges, though, clearly enjoy being able to use our sexuality to make the money we do. To do that, in my opinion, you have to understand, embrace, and enjoy your own innate sexuality.”
A lot of married women and girlfriends do this for what they get in exchange too. Marriage can be another form of the job.
Fascinating post as usual. I confess I hadn’t thought about your third reason (it might be difficult to leave), but now I see your point. The question in my mind is, could you do what you love and maintain your long term plans somehow? .
I fully understand about the isolation though. A good friend, also a provider but with a young child, feels the isolation even more, as she can’t interact with the other kid’s parents. It saddens me to think that due to social stigmas we can’t do what we want.
Best regards, and keep up the great writing.
J
Marc,
i wondered what we’d see if clients answered this
That would be an interesting perspective. There are some hobbyists who have blogs and write about that sort of thing. It’s be interesting to see someone who’s seen their first provider write about it.
Stephanie,
I always enjoy reading and learning more about your job and your feelings about it
I’m glad you’re enjoying your stay here. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to let me know.
Diego,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and perspectives.
I’m glad you’re enjoying reading me.
I was watching or reading online maybe, about a porn star, that had a husband, a family life and they both were very happy. He was not in the porn film industry and he enjoyed her sensuality.
It is not terribly uncommon to have a couple where one of them works in the sex industry and the other doesn’t. Jealousy is actually more of a problem with strippers than porn stars or prostitutes, believe it or not.
If you ever come to Dallas, please let me show our town.
I’ll keep that in mind.
Lee,
A lot of married women and girlfriends do this for what they get in exchange too. Marriage can be another form of the job.
Some people do make that argument, yes.
Joecool,
The question in my mind is, could you do what you love and maintain your long term plans somehow?
I’m not sure how. Quite honestly, I might be able to if I stayed in SF, but definitely not in Florida.
Thanks for the kind words about the writing.
YES the stigma sucks. To me, prostitution is like being a massage therapist, psychologist, priest, and so much more. A very noble profession. Annie Sprinkle wrote a fun list called “40 Reasons Why Whores Are My Heroes”
http://www.anniesprinkle.org/html/writings/whores_heroes.html