So I had dinner last night with Kelsey.
And I need to call Nikki today.
Just as a warning, this post may ramble a bit. My mind is a bit discombobulated from everything we discussed last night, and I don’t recall the specific order we discussed much of it, so bear with me.
As I indicated in the Quantum of Ecstasy post yesterday, Kelsey seemed happy and content with the kiss from the night before. I made, and she accepted, an offer to allow me to entertain her in my apartment for dinner last night. I’d planned to do this before the kiss, but it happened before I had the chance to invite her. So I invited her Wednesday on my way out the door, after I’d made sure she was okay with the kiss from the night before. Make sense? 
I made low-fat lasagna, salad, and garlic bread (I know, I know, but we both had it, so we canceled each other out). The pièce de résistance, though, was dessert – strawberries and dipping chocolate. Lick those lips, baby.
She showed up right on time at 6PM. There was an awkward moment when we went to hug…kiss…I mean, um, hug. She thought I was going to kiss her again, and I was trying to not be too forward and shove my tongue down her throat before she made it inside. I mean, I didn’t yet know what she wanted out of this, and I needed to make sure she knows the parameters involved if we’re going to start exploring options. So I didn’t want to just assume that she’d be open to me pushing her against the wall and tongue-fucking her mouth again. Anyway, we hugged hello for a second. When I pulled back from her she had a somewhat disappointed look on her face, though, so I kissed her. Gosh, she tastes good. But then girls almost always do.
So with the pleasantries out of the way, she came in and we made some small talk for a while. The conversation finally made its way to the topic du jour:
“Did you enjoy the kiss the other night?”
“Alexa, that was the most incredible first kiss I have ever had.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now, but I just didn’t know how to make the first move or whether or not you’d even want to kiss me. So, it was nice. Very nice.”
If she only knew. I’d have gone there the day I met her as you know, but she didn’t need to know that now.
I just looked at her, standing there with this huge grin on her face while I finished removing the silverware from the drawer and assembling all the other stuff we needed for the meal.
Dinner got done around 6:15; we sat down and ate.
I had to figure out how to go about ascertaining where she wanted this to go, or if she wanted it to go anywhere for that matter. The discussion veered off into topics like Prop 8, the mayor’s budget cuts (he’s cutting millions of dollars from public health services here), the weather, my wondering what my first experience with a significant earthquake will be like. I asked her if she’d come comfort me after my first one. She smiled and replied that she would. But, of course, the conversation eventually meandered back into “relationship” territory.
I could see the wheels turning in her head. “So, what does the kiss mean?”
“Quite honestly, I don’t know. What do you want it to mean? “ How’s that for turning the initiative around?
“Well, you kissed me, so you must have something in mind.” Damn it, turn about is fair play, no?
“Well, I am very attracted to you.”
“So, you’re at least interested in me?”
“Are you just now figuring that out?”
“Not really, but I know you already have a girlfriend, so…”
I explained to her that I am only here for another year and a half, and will be moving back to Florida. There’s no possibility for a long-term relationship with me. And, of course, I come with the baggage of my work.
“I don’t have a problem at all with what you do, honest.”
Over the course of the meal, she basically allowed that she had become curious about what it’d be like to be in a relationship with another woman over the past few weeks. She’d never vocalized that, and never really admitted it to herself. She’d even overtly denied any interest in women early on in the beginning phases of our relationship (of course, that is not uncommon). My flirting with her made her consider it with a little more seriousness, apparently. I seem to have that effect on women for some reason.
So, yes, she knows I am involved with Nikki. And she’s taken a big, big chance telling me all of this immediately after a single kiss. It’s a weird feeling, actually. I could easily see myself getting into this woman – I am drawn to her because of all of the attributes I referred to in Wednesday’s post. And yes, Nikki and I have an open relationship – I am allowed to build other relationships and explore them.
And yet…I feel torn.
The long-distance thing is interfering with my decision-making processes. If I were at home, I’d have no problem being all over this woman. But, this far apart, without my safety net, I just feel so tenuous about the whole thing. I just want to make sure that I’m honest with her, and that I don’t hurt her. Or me.
She also has no real interest in mixing a relationship with me and with her boyfriend, and I get the sense that she’s considering breaking up with him. I’ve mentioned before (I think) that her boyfriend is kind of an asshole, so it won’t break my heart for her to DTMFA,1 but I really don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s breakup. I explained that I just don’t want to be an impetus for her to end it. She assured me that wasn’t the case.
You know, one of the unique things about building a relationship with another woman is that, quite often, neither one of you is sure which one is supposed to take the lead. Though it isn’t as common a stereotype as it used to be, with a guy, he typically assumes the lead and drives the development of the relationship. I’ve mentioned before that a relationship between two women is a much more egalitarian affair, and that presents bit of a problem in a situation such as this. Do I want her to lead, or do I want to take the initiative? I’m much more experienced that she is, so by default, I suppose I should lead.
However, I don’t want to drive her into a relationship with me that A) I’m not sure how I want configured, and B) I know will bust up an existing relationship she has with someone else. Does she even want a full relationship, or does she just want to play and experiment? I am genuinely interested in her, but that interest is attenuated by the fact that I don’t know if I am ready for a fixed relationship. This was…sudden and unexpected. Which is not to say unpleasant (not even remotely) – in fact, I relish the possibilities it holds. Obviously, it caught me off-guard, so I am having just a bit of trouble processing it all.
We continued talking for quite a while. I’m not going to go into all of the specifics here, largely to protect her from any embarrassment in the event she might stumble across this at some point. She’s a warm individual, with an intellectual and sensual curiosity that I enjoy.
Finally, though, she had to go. She had to be up early this morning for work, so I walked her to the door. I took her hands in mine, and held them for a few seconds, looking into her eyes. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t entertain the thought of asking her if she’d like to spend the night, but I know better than to rush something like that with someone with whom I could develop a close relationship.
“I don’t know where this will go, Kelsey, but I’m willing to explore with you if that’s what you want.”
“I think it is what I want.”
I put my arms around her neck and kissed her again for what seemed like a full minute. She kisses very well – intense, passionate. She knows how to use her tongue and her teeth without overdoing it – licking, sucking, and biting. God, that turns me on more than sex sometimes.
I’ll be calling Nikki later this evening to discuss this with her. She won’t care. I know she won’t (she’ll actually want daily details), but she’s my soul mate – my other half, and I owe her that courtesy.
Maybe the conversation has more to do with me than it does her, though. Hmm.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
New relationships are always so exciting. Especially when you don’t know where it’s going to go. I do see why you feel the way you do, though. I’ve always believed in the whole just seeing where it goes thing.
I respect the relationship you have with Nikki. The fact that the two of you can explore, and still come back to one another because you both know who’s “it” for you. It take a tremendous amount of trust and maturity to be able to have a relationship like the two of you have. I only hope that everyone can feel something like that one day.
I look forward to hearing more :)
hmmm…going from SF back to Florida? Seems like leaving the land of intellectual milk and honey for the land of life as a reality show star….and the land of taco bells and targets strung together by interstates. I can’t think of a more superficial state than Florida – even the governor has a permatan. I guess I shouldn’t talk…Southern Cali makes up for anything Northern California has going for it.
indeed its hard to write when emotions are not in place.
It is hard to write also when one is use to feel numb and not speak of nothing inside oneself for a long time, but I digress, this is the story of another person…
If you were a guy, I swear this story could fall in the category of ”the hunt”
But the last paragraphs transpire your femininity with its inner- questionings, that manage to cross an entire continent on a simple kiss.
Me after the door was closed, I would have gone see the results of the last hokey game. Maybe I should me more thoughtful.
It would be nice to cross a continent on a simple kiss for a change.
This promises to get tastier soon (I hope).