Some time ago, as I was reflecting on my personal values with respect to my own sexuality, I made a list of what I considered to be the most salient points that an individual should keep in mind regarding sex in general. What did I think are important points that each person should consider with respect to their own sexuality that would make for a healthier, happier sex life?
I have taken to referring to myself as a Sexual Jedi. By that, I mean that I recognize and manage my sexual life force – my sexual energy – and have learned to use it for my own benefit and that of others.1 I actively work to improve my understanding of the nature of human sexuality, improve and expand my sexual skill set, and to better the sexual comprehension and skills of people I come into contact with, physically or virtually, though direct, hand’s-on experience and/or through sex education. That drive is, in fact, what led me to pursue my graduate degree in Human Sexuality Studies. I feel as though this is a calling for me.
Sexuality is such an incredibly complex and diverse concept – literally every person in the world has a unique understanding of what it entails and how it manifests itself within their lives. Sadly, in many instances, people aren’t allowed to decide for themselves how they experience it. And still others are, willingly or unwillingly, subject to a variety of negative external constraints on how they see themselves sexually, including those imposed by religion and other pseudomoralistic influences (morality laws, for example).
Those of us who are fortunate enough to be in a position where we can understand and mold our own experience, however, owe it to ourselves to do all that we can to embrace our sexuality and enjoy it to the fullest extent possible, in concert with our partner(s) if that is appropriate. To do that, one must have a basic set of principles upon which to build their own sense of sexual self and sexual identity. The more broadly you construct this foundation, the more stable you’ll be sexually, and the more comfortable you’ll be exploring that aspect of your self. If you understand the path you need to take to get to that point, you can learn to fully embrace your sexuality and enjoy it as it should be. I call this path a Sexual Tao (Tao, Chinese for “way, path, right way (of life), reason”).
So below is my Sexual Tao. These are not necessarily universal, but in my opinion, if you lived by these precepts, you’d have much greater likelihood of enjoying your own sexuality in free form.2
I really wish they’d teach this kind of stuff to teenagers in high school, actually, even if it wasn’t my specific value set. I know that many people would gasp at such a proposition (pick those jaws up off the floor!), but if we actually taught young people how to understand, embrace, and enjoy their sexuality, think about how much better relationships, and therefore society as a whole, would fare. If we actually treated sexuality in a legitimate, rational manner, there’s no telling how much better the human condition would be. Anyway, as usual, I am headed off on a tangent here. I could go on for hours about that subject. Perhaps I’ll bore you with that at some point in the future.
Anyway, as always, if you have any additions to this, or even if you disagree with some of them, I’d love to hear about it. As I said, sexuality entails a lot of learning, and the more I read and learn from other people, the stronger and more sexually robust I become. And that is the ultimate goal of a Sexual Jedi, isn’t it? 
Alexa’s Sexual Tao
- ALWAYS practice safe sex: Even if you’ve been friends with someone for a while, you may still not know their sexual history (even the most trusting partners will often hide aspects of this due to embarrassment or concern that others might be judgmental regarding something they’ve done). Until your partner is tested and you know they’re clean, you must assume that they might be carrying something. Better to be safe than risk being infected with something that will follow you your entire life. If you do become infected with one of the incurable diseases, you’ll never be able to fully enjoy unconstrained sex again. Ever. Be safe!
- You must communicate. You must be comfortable talking about sex with your partner. Being able to tell your partner what feels good, what doesn’t, where to touch you, how to touch you, etc., is *the* single greatest mechanism you can use to ensure a happy sex life. Humans can’t read minds, so if something is not working for you, if you don’t tell your partner, how is he/she going to know? There’s nothing wrong with explaining to a partner how you like to be touched, licked, bitten, spanked, etc. And keep in mind that communication also involves knowing when NOT to say something. Never criticize/critique a partner’s performance while still in the bed – bring it up later when you’re not in the heat of battle. You must also check your ego at the bedroom door – don’t get upset that someone tells you that you need to do something differently. Learn from it and use it to make sure your partner is that much more satisfied the next time. You can’t be expected to know how to please everyone without some coaching from time to time.
- You must know your body. Look at your anatomy, feel it, play with it, read about it, understand how it works, etc. And masturbate!!! Masturbation is a perfectly normal, healthy thing to do for both sexes. If you don’t masturbate, you don’t know what parts of your body are your sexual trigger points, and it makes sex with a partner that much harder in terms of satisfaction. The fantasizing that frequently goes along with masturbation often provides fodder for future sexual exploration with a partner as well. There is *no* legitimate reason not to masturbate.
- Enjoy the sensuality of sex. Learn to enjoy the full range of your senses during sex. There are unique smells, tastes, sounds, sights, and feelings that are only experienced while having sex. Learn to enjoy all of these, and you will enjoy the sexual experience on a much higher plane than many others do. Don’t just concentrate on the physical sensations you’re experiencing in your crotch – allow your entire mind and body to become intertwined in the experience.
- Be open to new ideas. Sex can be so much more than simple vaginal penetration with a cock and/or oral sex. Anything the two of you decide to do to/with each other is perfectly normal, so long as both of you are willing participants and it doesn’t harm or disturb anyone else (or destroy anything of significant value!). Use toys, explore anal play, explore some light (or heavy) bondage, etc. No one decides what is normal for you other than you when it comes to sex. There is an old saying that the brain is the greatest sex organ. This is true on so many levels. Learn to use it to your advantage. As an adjunct to this, there’s nothing wrong with using porn to facilitate fantasy development and to provide new ideas for things to try. Porn isn’t sex education, of course, but it can certainly be used to foment ideas that you can use to explore new possibilities with each other. Boredom with sex is the single biggest contributor to a loss of sex drive in both partners (and therefore relationship unhappiness), and the introduction of new ideas can go a long way towards alleviating this.
- Learn *how* to have sex. There are a lot of nuances to having a satisfying sexual encounter (including even the quick, raw fuck). Read up on various techniques for pleasing your partner, and on new ideas for the two of you to try. There are all kinds of different positions, different techniques for performing oral, different lubes for different situations, etc. The more you can please your partner, the better *you* will be in bed (or wherever!), and the more your partner will look forward to having sex with you. The more expansive your sexual repertoire is, the more both you and your partner(s) will enjoy your sexual experiences. Remember, a Sexual Jedi is always learning about the craft.
- Respect each other. A sexual relationship should be pleasing and accommodating to both partners, not just one. Never force anything upon your partner or ask him/her to do something he/she feels uncomfortable doing. Understand each others’ limits and respect them. Do not be abusive or condescending if one doesn’t wish to partake in a particular sexual activity. And don’t be selfish. A positive sexual encounter must be pleasing to both sides in the equation.
- For women, have at least one sexual encounter with another woman. And I mean more than just kissing and making out. Having sex with another woman can be an intense experience. It occurs on an entirely different emotional plane than sex with a guy. With a guy, there is almost always an innate power struggle going on between the two partners (I’m not saying this is a bad thing at all – quite the opposite). With two women, that doesn’t happen (unless you want it to). There’s no rush, and as a general rule (esp. if you’ve followed rule # 2), one woman knows where to touch another woman, how to touch, where to lick, when to bite, etc. Sex with another woman isn’t necessarily better – just different. There’s zero risk of pregnancy, much less risk of STDs (still, keep in mind Rule # 1), and the experience may awaken you to new feelings and sensations that you were previously unaware of. And once you know how to navigate your way around another female body, you’ll know more about your body – it can be a cyclical learning experience. Enjoy your sexual fluidity.
- There’s nothing wrong with pre-marital sex. Marriage is simply a legal/religious recognition of a commitment between two people. Not having the piece of paper doesn’t negate the level of the commitment. If two people truly are in love, there’s no legitimate need to wait until you are married to experience the intense emotional connection that sex can bring with another human being. One writer stated that marrying someone without having had sex with them would be like marrying a stranger in a way. I agree with that. Many marriages do not last because the two partners turned out to be sexually incompatible with one another, but didn’t discover that until after they were married. What a shame. If the two of you have different sexual expectations, wouldn’t you rather know before you made a (theoretically) lifelong commitment? The fact of the matter is that 95% of people will have sex before they are married.
- Attempt to learn to be able to separate the emotional aspects of sex from the physical aspects of sex. This, of course, will be controversial with many people, but if you can learn to not need the emotional attachment to someone to have sex with them, it will open up opportunities for you to enjoy your sexuality when you are not in a committed relationship (or even if you are in one, if it is amenable to both partners). I’m not advocating sex with random people at all (unless you’re being paid for it, of course!
). There will be times, however, when you feel a strong sense of chemistry with someone, and would love to enjoy a one-night stand or a quickie. If you are not cheating on someone, then I see nothing wrong with this. It can serve as a much needed release of sexual energy and/or tension. - Finally, recognize that sex is a performance art, and understand that some performances won’t go as well as others. No matter how comfortable you are in your own sexual skin, until you gain enough experience you’re going to be nervous and at least slightly uncomfortable with each new partner – that’s perfectly acceptable and will go away as you become more familiar with them. It’s not unlike performing on a stage as a singer or actor before a crowd of people – the more you do it, the more comfortable you become. Understand that the anxiety you experience is perfectly normal and don’t let it stress you out. Enjoy the sex play for what it is. If you make mistakes, laugh at yourself, learn from it and try to do better the next time – worrying about it only wastes energy. Realize that one or the both of you may not get to the top of Mount O, and resolve to be perfectly content with the interaction, the sexual energy you share, the playfulness, the experience of being sexually connected to another human being for what it is.
- As opposed to a “regular” Jedi, who uses *the* Force. I am a specialist, as it were. lol [↩]
- Free form means without unnecessary constraints [↩]
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Very good set of “rules.”
I can’t wait until I get my first girl experience, should it ever happen.
<3sc
Regarding item #1: this is something that I’ve been wanting to write about on my own blog for a while and have just never gotten to it. I was at the very tail-end of the very last generation to have sex without the fear that it would kill us. As long as someone was taking responsibility for birth control, the worst you could end up with was herpes, crabs, or the clap. I got lucky and never got any of those. AIDS was around, but it was still just a “gay thing” for a few years. That bit of Reagan-era ignorance proved fatal for a lot of people, both gay and straight.
In my lifetime, sex went from something “dirty” that nobody talked about to something that people talked about openly and did freely (and often carelessly) to something that could kill you if you weren’t careful. We didn’t even have the phrase “safe sex” when I was in college. For people just a few years younger than me, sex suddenly became a frightening prospect, giving rise to a lot of religious bullshit, fearmongering and bigotry. Yet as the song said, “People are still having sex. This AIDS thing’s not working.”
Still, I often feel bad for those of you who never knew the freedom of fearless sex. Not that you’re not doing okay just the same!
I was going to email you this the other day but decided not to bore you. However this post speaks to the general theme around what i actually wanted to ask, so i shall bore you verily;
When looking at…say a nice weathergirl with big brown eyes, don’t we all at some level acknowledge the fact that there is a ton of shit she’d like to do and have done to her, and that she has every reason to expect to find many willing participants?
so how deep is the effect then, of her socially (pseudo-moralist/pseudo-normalist) enforced personna to have to stand in front of millions of people every day, presenting someone other than who (at many levels) she is, as a result of carefully censoring all adult/sexual expression from her personna.
A cough, like gagging on cock also (pussy farting or whatever), is/can be an involuntary show of a private, momentary being (like coming round from asphyxiation, feeling unaware, vulnerable and buzzing…or having the thought behind your eyes, ‘eew i hope no spit came out on my hand’ – though sureley neither would ever be entirely 100% involuntary while still being considered the same phenomenon, ie pleasure v rape, cough v torture)…certainly in the case of a cough (and i guess the public cocksucker brain-chemistry thing is more your expertise?) the accident is generally inevitible and oft repeated, and yet we present ourselves as symbolically/ideologically ashamed/embarrassed for having shown that privacy.
further, although with repetition the emotions of shame etc diminish, the (public) presentation of a person ashamed (who surely no longer strictly is) does not change, other than ceasing the involuntary blushing etc in public, or the sexualization OF that feeling of social awkwardness. In free societies we are still often forced in everyday personal conduct to lie (or be confused) about who we are, other than when we choose to do so for more liberating means.
Weathergirl coughed and apologized, just as i was thinking…’she’s been at this a year or two, even a prudish weathergirl has learned to choke down a good few slobbery inches by now’ (or similar minge-related endeavour) – All that made me think was why apologize?? where does it say that everything has not only to be hidden physically, but also repressed completely in our everyday effort to express ourselves, and gain respect (work etc) also? fuck civilization and all the pointless english manners that we have laden it with.
the reason i’m talking this noise is that surely this isn’t just a question of liberty of sexuality, but rather a more general human liberty, the denial of which is a denial of such further personal aspects of liberty as sexuality?
It is maybe the lack of regard for freedom as being considered in an evolutionary, transitory, emotional way that leads to rigid legislations against this, or that, personal liberty one at a time.
My belief is that there is a central one (or set) of freedoms, by consideration of which, collectively the 4 corners of the globe (with equal say) will one day come to learn an honest and clear way (mode of thought exp/logical reason/Dao etc) to focus on universally valued, productive, vital, responsible (…) freedoms or (mutually) beneficial self-control. I would imagine sex is one of the most powerful and commonly cherished freedoms, through study of which we further our understanding of animal/human nature in general.
If you ever feel like expanding on your point of seperating emotion from physicality, without completely losing the desire to fuck (or even be near) whoever, i’d be thankful with my penis.
Alexa…I am your father.
I must say, Alexa, that I have a lot of respect for the seriousness with which you approach sexuality and not just only for your own satisfaction and self-actualization, but also to be an open-minded and effective communicator to others.
The incorporation of power exchange and aspects of BDSM in my relationships is a direct extension of my training and experiences eastern philosophy, which began at age 16 when I met a Zen Master and studied with him over the next 10 years. Only much later did I become aware of the BDSM sub-culture and become involved with some of the labels and aspects of this group, but I have always maintained that the forces behind these needs are fundamental and in some form or amount exist in all of us and not just with respect to sexuality, but certainly the exchange of power in this way is extremely palpable and potent.
For everything that is said and done, so much more happens which is unspoken and which is often so very subtle. Zen teachings often focus on the paradox of the process of teaching something which essentially can only be experienced. You can speak about Zen, but that isn’t Zen. You can speak about sex, and you do a wonderful job of it, but you can’t really capture all the potential magic and power of it in words (or pictures), but it is very worthwhile and so enjoyable to try to do your best…
Another great contribution.
M
Certainly by college all should read these rules.
Alexa – you’re very vocal about how important you feel it is for women to experience sex with another woman. What about men being with other men? Or, as a woman, do you feel that you don’t have the experience to make that recommendation?
Shannon,
I can’t wait until I get my first girl experience, should it ever happen.
I hope if/when you do it goes well for you.
Amy,
What about men being with other men? Or, as a woman, do you feel that you don’t have the experience to make that recommendation?
That’s exactly it. Not knowing what a guy goes through with such an experience, I’d feel weird suggesting that all guys do that. I would certainly think it would be a worthwhile experience for a guy, though.
Scott,
That bit of Reagan-era ignorance proved fatal for a lot of people, both gay and straight.
You can say that again. No telling how many lives might have been saved if research had begun earlier.
M,
a direct extension of my training and experiences eastern philosophy, which began at age 16 when I met a Zen Master and studied with him over the next 10 years.
I bet that was quite an experience for a 16 year old. I wonder where I’d be now if I’d had such an experience!?
You can speak about sex, and you do a wonderful job of it, but you can’t really capture all the potential magic and power of it in words (or pictures), but it is very worthwhile and so enjoyable to try to do your best…
I absolutely agree with you. I often use the example of someone asking what an orgasm feels like (not uncommon with females who don’t know if they’ve ever had one). All the words in the world cannot do that feeling justice.
Another great contribution.
Thank you, sir.
Pineapple,
I was going to email you this the other day but decided not to bore you. However this post speaks to the general theme around what i actually wanted to ask, so i shall bore you verily;
You’ve never bored me, sir.
You know, after reading your thoughts, I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch another weathergirl with the same level of detachment again. I’ll always be wondering if she…has learned to choke down a good few slobbery inches by now, and if left to her own devices if she’d allow herself to blurt it out on television.
If you ever feel like expanding on your point of seperating emotion from physicality, without completely losing the desire to fuck (or even be near) whoever, i’d be thankful with my penis.
Noted.
Alexa…I am your father.
Is this tantra? Seems a bit tantric to me. Tantra seems to be big in the SF Bay Area. There are some amazing tantrikas there that I have seen when I have visited.
And you’re a Star Wars fan too…..?
You’re awesome.
Happy New Year!
Thanks for another fabulous post. I’m older than should be to be learning and exploring my sexuality and comfort, but it is what it is. Better late than never, I suppose. Can you recommend some good resources for learning *how* to have sex and good resources for exploring things like bondage?
I’m a married bisexual guy, and I wholeheartedly agree with the benefits of universal same-sex experiences. My first sexual act with another person was in junior high school with my best friend and I have no doubt that it has made me a superior lover. Rather than becoming a sexist, I became a sensualist, able to relate to, and appreciate what my partner is feeling, their gender notwithstanding.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with the world. I’m really enjoying reading about your profession, interactions with people, how you perceive yourself as a sexual being, ect. I’ve been going through your archives for about 4 hours now, and it has been both entertaining as well as informative. I hope in the future I will find myself to be as sexually liberated as you portray yourself to be.