Role Reversal
August 21, 2008
Sometimes, it’s just more fun to lie there and be fucked.
In a conversation I was having with a close friend a couple of days ago, we were discussing sexual relationships and the role of the aggressor, or perhaps more accurately, the dominant - the one who controls the sexual tension in the relationship. For the majority of my sexual life (which began in the latter part of my 14th year), I have almost invariably been the aggressor. I was the one who initiated sexual activity and controlled how far it went, how often we did it, and how hot it got for the most part.
I had four boyfriends during my time in high school, and in each of those cases the relationships were largely egalitarian - coequal in just about every way. Going into it, each guy knew that I was headstrong and wasn’t going to be someone they could walk over, emotionally, intellectually or sexually. Three of them found that exhilarating, believe it or not. That tends to go against the archetypal relationship dynamic many people have in their minds about male-female relationships, especially those among high school aged couples. Admittedly, though, I was an exception; I knew plenty of examples where the relationship was not only not coequal, but terribly biased toward one member of the pair (and it wasn’t just the males being the stronger of the pair exclusively, either).
After I’d had my first experience with another girl, I went on a tear, seducing as many girls as I could (when I wasn’t in a relationship with a boy). My initial justification was providing them with the same experience I’d had on that fantastic New Year’s Eve. In fact, the sex I had with first three girls I was with after that evening was largely an educational endeavor with my best friends. I wanted my closest friends to experience the intensity I’d felt that evening, so I set out to teach them about lesbian sex (though I refused to even call it that at that point in my life). We literally spent time researching sexual topics and then imparting that knowledge unto one another. I’d had several all-girl threesomes and foursomes by the time I turned 16. Looking back on that now, I am literally quite shocked that they all acquiesced as easily as they did without freaking out.
As time went on, I began to enjoy the thrill of taking a new girl into that experience; by the time I’d graduated from high school, I’d been with ten different girls, some multiple times, some just once. To this day, I have no idea if many of them consider themselves straight, bisexual or what. One of my BFFs has come out to herself and a few close friends as gay, and is in the United States Marine Corps. She’s in the band and just returned from her second tour in Iraq. Aside from Nikki, she’s the only high school friend whose sexuality I am knowledgeable about.
This carried over into the early part of my college career. It literally became sport fucking for me - I wanted to see how many women I could get into bed. I took advantage of the new found freedom that many people experience when they get away from home for the first time, unconstrained by the need to “behave,” and the willingness to experiment. I literally spent weeks, even months, chasing individual women specifically to see if I could convince them to walk on the opposite side of the tracks. By any reasonable measure, I was very successful. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I failed.
The one constant throughout all of this, of course, is the fact that I was always the instigator, the pursuer, the aggressor, when it came to the sexual aspects in all of these relationships.
It is hardly any different with my clients. I am still the one who initiates and/or controls what we do, how long we do it, how far we go, etc. So, even though the client initiated the appointment, I still retain the ultimate control. This is necessary to ensure my safety and to keep the dynamic balanced with respect to the transaction taking place. This is a fundamental concept behind making sex work safe and consensual. If the client exerts too much control over the situation, then I lose my agency and the transaction becomes akin to slavery or abuse.
And, while it’s a lot of fun to be the one who initiates and controls the sex, especially with someone who’s never been down that road before, the past couple of years have seen me become more and more interested in exploring the opposite end of the spectrum - being the submissive one; the one who is on the receiving end of sexual pursuit; the one who’s being done, rather than the one doing someone else.
As you know, if you’ve spent any time reading my original series of posts, I’ve spent some time exploring some avenues of submissiveness, mainly through indulging personal fantasies. I started down the road for real when I went through the process of getting my first facial. That is a rather benign expression of submissiveness, of course, but my own personal fantasies have included some extremes, including one of being gang raped*.
This is the root of why I find my experiences with Chase so intense. She’s the one in the driver’s seat most of the time, and I find allowing myself to submit to her, to be penetrated by her, to have my sex controlled by her, highly erotic. This just works to intensify the sexual chemistry that exists between us to begin with. I find myself wondering if the girls and women I was with in my early years felt the same way I do when I am being fucked by her. I’d sure like to hope so, but, as you know, we each experience sex on such an individual level that it’d be impossible to know for sure without asking them (and who asks that kind of question after sex? lol)
She lets me take the opposite role, easily. And, in fact, I do that during our sexual encounters - we reverse roles quite often in bed. My sexual relationship with Nikki is, for all intents and purposes, very similar as well - we can both be the aggressor or the submissive in any given sex session. Neither one of us maintains as sexually dominant across any specific length of time, and I absoultely adore that. Some days she’ll ask me if I’d like to have sex; on others, she’ll just push me down and fuck me.
I think, to be a sexually balanced individual, you should be able to switch from one role to the other to a degree. Not necessarily seamlessly, but in some kind of combination that allows you to experience a broad realm of experiences so as to make one whole sexually. Not unlike having a balance between emotion and logic, if you will. I think others would probably disagree with that, but it is just my personal opinion.
I have yet to experience it, but I know a lot of escorts have male clients that want to be controlled, that want to be penetrated, dominated, fucked. As I said here, this is a common expression for someone who spends the majority of his/her life “in control” - they want to be done to, rather than the one responsible for doing. What’s sad, to me anyway, is that these people don’t feel free to express that within the confines of the relationships they have with their wives, girlfriends, or partners. I do, however, understand why it isn’t safe to do that, or, rather, why the perception that it isn’t safe exists.
I often reflect back on my high school time and wonder how things would’ve been different had I been the one who was pursued by another female. In the absence of having had an experience with another girl, how would I have felt? Would I have found it enticing? Would I have been reluctant? Would I have been scared? Would I have had an orgasm? 
Had I had the same curiosity streak I possessed in high school, I believe I would have enjoyed it because I have always been driven to know as much as I could about anything that held my interest, including, especially, sexuality. And I honestly believe that I would’ve craved the experience. The difference would have been that I probably would’ve lacked the confidence to make it happen; I would’ve waited for someone to pursue me.
In the end, though, I can’t honestly say that I am disappointed with the way things have turned out. 
*This is a password-protected post, so you’ll need to contact me for the password.
Posted by Alexa | Filed Under Alexa, Sexuality
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I think, to be a sexually balanced individual, you should be able to switch from one role to the other to a degree.
So you would argue that someone who is always dominant/submissive is not balanced?
What else are qualities belong to a sexually balanced person in your eyes?
Keeley,
So you would argue that someone who is always dominant/submissive is not balanced?
Actually, I probably would, yes. I don’t think I’d characterize that as patently negative, though. It would need to be taken in context with the dynamics of the particular relationship the individual was in.
What else are qualities belong to a sexually balanced person in your eyes?
That is a subject that is too broad to address in a comment box. Perhaps I might discuss that in a future post.
Perhaps I might discuss that in a future post.
I just want to pick your brain apart (that sounds so gruesome for a compliment). Someday when I get a job and can drive I will come pick you up on a “date” and I can ask you hundreds of questions just as I described in that one post of mine. Oh that will be the day 
Yay! Can that be along with decriminalization vs legalization of prostitution? Or am I getting pushy now