Appropriate Consequences
August 9, 2008
As I stated here on Monday, I lost a good friend last week because of my realization that she holds a particular philosophy I find anathematic to my own beliefs. I said nothing about who it was and didn’t reveal any identifying information that would directly compromise who it was. But in response to a simple reply I made to the original post on her blog, the writer laid it out in all manner of glorifying detail, including bits of personal conversations we’d had with one another about the subject, and publicly lashed out at me for all kinds of perceived deficiencies in my character, my rationale for making the argument to begin with, how “stupid” I was for believing what I believe, etc. Perhaps I erred in befriending her in the first place if she truly felt that way about me (it’s my understanding she’s since redacted her response, though I haven’t been over to confirm it).
I had intended to address the specifics of why I felt the way I did in another post, and went so far as to write out a lengthy treatise on the matter. I just don’t have the heart to post it, though. I never wanted this blog to be about politics, including sexual politics. And though I occasionally make references to such issues, I try to do it only in an educational way, and not as an argument over any specific political philosophy. I’m not going to get into long-winded debates here about stuff like that - that’s not the purpose or intent of this blog.
What I will say is that there are two specific issues that I have hard-coded lines on. One is abortion rights. I am militantly pro-choice. And though I really don’t care if you’re “pro-life” for yourself, if you are one who espouses that abortion should not be available even in the circumstances of rape or the health of the mother, or that women who abort should die for their “crimes” or something along those lines, I will not have anything to do with you, pure and simple. I just can’t hang with someone who has so little respect for the individual woman. If Nikki called me up today and told me she had adopted that philosophy, I’d never speak to her again - the line is that cut and dry.
I have a similar philosophy toward those who place any blame or “responsibility” (responsibility and blame are synonyms, btw) for being assaulted on the victim of a rape or sexual abuse. People drink all the time, they pass out all the time, and nothing untoward happens to them all the time. To assert that, because a woman gets drunk and passes out in the presence of someone who ended up assaulting her, she should shoulder some of the responsibility is just ludicrous. The only difference in this situation was the presence of someone who took advantage of her. Yet, in her eyes, the victim has to shoulder some of the blame for what he did.
…if you get yourself so drunk that you find yourself in the position of having some strange guy fondle your breasts and take pictures of you… well, some of that has to be on you too, babe
The simple fact of the matter is that I should be able to get drunk, pass out naked in a room full of male prison inmates who haven’t had sex in years and not have to worry about being raped. I know that’s not the way it works in the real world, but that is wholly irrelevant. The fact is the person who commits the rape/assault is totally and unequivocally responsible for perpetrating said assault on the victim. The onus is on us as individuals to control our own behavior (morally and legally), and attributing any responsibility to a victim removes some of that onus from the criminal. The criminal either is or isn’t totally responsible for his/her own behavior - you can’t have it both ways (regardless of any semantic gymnastics attempting to suggest there’s a difference between blame and responsibility).
Victim blaming is different from a legitimate acceptance of responsibility. Anyone who makes informed choices must bear the responsibility for those choices, yes. Adults who make poor choices and receive the appropriate consequences for those choices can be held responsible without the guise of victim blaming being legitimately invoked. The italicized phrase is the key to this - appropriate consequences. Passing out and vomiting on yourself are appropriate consequences for getting that drunk. Liver failure might be an “appropriate consequence” of getting drunk too often. But are you going to tell me that being sexually assaulted is also an “appropriate consequence” for passing out intoxicated? I sure don’t think so. The law doesn’t think so. Therefore, the victim cannot be said to be responsible for it any way, shape, form or fashion. What’s so sad to me is that the original writer (and many other people) apparently don’t comprehend the difference between these two constructs.
I lost a close real-life friend as the result of her opinions on that second issue a few years ago as well. She basically blamed a rape victim for being “stupid enough to be raped” because she had the audacity to walk across a college campus at night by herself. Of course, in her eyes, the victim was “responsible” for walking across campus alone, so, that naturally being a stupid thing to do, she should’ve expected to be raped, right? Someone who makes such an assertion basically expects us as women (in this case) to be responsible for controlling our own behavior in an attempt to control someone else’s behavior. That’s ludicrous. And, by the way, I haven’t spoken to her since the day she made that statement.
These positions are nothing new to me. People who’ve known me since I was in high school will tell you that I have always felt this way on both subjects. Anyway, this is the last I’ll say on this matter. I thought it was important for you guys to know and understand where I am coming from on this, though. I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. 
EDIT: I’ve closed the comments on this post because I don’t want it to turn into a debate on abortion, or anything else for that matter. The intent of the post was to outline my positions on these two subjects to help explain why some things happened, and that is all. It is not up for debate.
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It’s interesting that I had a discussion about this a long time ago, where I struggled to articulate my opinion and wasn’t sure how well I managed. So I will struggle to do so again here and see how I fare. I guess am trying to figure out where my view stands in this continuum.
I’d start by saying that I totally and completely agree with you. That no responsibility or blame should be placed on the victim. That in the world of “should”, a woman should be able to walk alone at night through a dangerous area and not worry about a thing. That is the just and fair world the way it should be.
But I also can’t help feeling that the world is not fair or just. That there is also such thing as practicality. And that even though you “should be able to get drunk, pass out naked in a room full of male prison inmates who haven’t had sex in years and not have to worry about being raped” - doing that would not be a wise thing to do.
I can’t find other words than “unwise to do”. And I wonder if this position can be mistaken for - or is it a particular form of? - blaming the victim. I don’t know…
I place full responsibility on the perpetrator. I believe that the law should always do the same. I agree that rape should never be an “appropriate consequence” of passing out drunk. And yet… I would avoid passing out drunk precisely because I know that in this imperfect world of ours, it may just end up being one of the consequences, no matter how inappropriate.
Thais,
But I also can’t help feeling that the world is not fair or just. That there is also such thing as practicality. And that even though you “should be able to get drunk, pass out naked in a room full of male prison inmates who haven’t had sex in years and not have to worry about being raped” - doing that would not be a wise thing to do.
Of course not. You could argue that driving on the roads after midnight on New Year’s Eve would be unwise as well because that’s when the number of drunk drivers on those roads is at one of the highest levels of the year.
I can’t find other words than “unwise to do”. And I wonder if this position can be mistaken for - or is it a particular form of? - blaming the victim. I don’t know…
Well, would you blame or hold “responsible” the victim of a drunk driver on that New Year’s Eve for being involved in an accident caused by the drunk driver? If so, then I’d say your rationalization mechanisms are off kilter a bit.
If not, then I’d ask you why the disparity exists between this scenario and that of the rape/assault victim, since the two scenarios are identical from a practical standpoint.
We seem to only victim blame when it involves someone who is sexually assaulted for some reason (and then only when it is a female - you never see male sexual assault victims blamed for their own assaults, unless it is one “acting” in a feminine way). It rarely extends to other victimization. Even in situations where someone goes into a part of town known to be violent, and they get robbed. We say the victim was stupid (or, to use your term, “unwise”), yet we don’t say that he is “responsible” for being robbed. We place the blame squarely where it belongs - on the criminal.
I would avoid passing out drunk precisely because I know that in this imperfect world of ours, it may just end up being one of the consequences, no matter how inappropriate.
Agreed, definitely. But the appropriateness of those consequences have to be the arbiter of what constitutes a basis for holding someone responsible (otherwise, there’d be nothing to keep us from being held responsible for more extreme actions). If I did make the mistake of getting that drunk, I’m not sure how anyone could even remotely rationalize that into a responsibility for being raped, though.
Thanks for your thoughts and perspective.
I totally agree with the ideal of what the world should be, but at the end of the day I don’t trust men to not do anything to me. Be they prison inmates or that cute guy down the street. So me myself I have never drink any liquor or beer outside of my home or best friends’ houses (when there are no parties). Just because I grew up on a college campus and I know how those adorable college boys/ anyone else is in the world can be.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know what could happen at its worse why annoy the bull? If you can’t have fun going out safe and sober then you need to think about what your idea of fun is. We are women and so we should and are brought up to know that for every good guy out there in the world there are a million bad ones.
I know bad things happen even when we are at our most careful so I have never been a “crazy pro-lifer” because believe me I could never see myself making some poor child/woman give birth to a baby that will not be created out of love and be given all that he/she deserves. And when my friends and I are just going to they Planned Parenthood for our pills they do scare us and we have had to get out and tell them that they don’t even know what they are talking about. But I also know some girls that just use it as a “birth control”, because I do live in a college town, so I ask you Alexa when does it stop being pro-life and start being pro-common sense?
I’m not arguing your overall point but just to nitpick, we blame the victim in a number of crimes involving assault and even murder when we feel the victim provoked the crime. Generally, it’s not a legal defense, but certainly in terms of public views, people often say someone deserved to get beat, hurt or even killed (and from this I’m excluding situations of genuine self-defense).
e
…we blame the victim in a number of crimes involving assault and even murder when we feel the victim provoked the crime.
That’s a horse of a different color. Unless you’re suggesting that passing out from intoxication is somehow “provocative,” I’m not sure that is germane to this at all.
Miss Lyna,
So I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know what could happen at its worse why annoy the bull?
A bull is an animal, incapable of rational thought, people are not, though I do understand the metaphor you’re attempting to draw.
I don’t believe that, because I refuse to constrain my behavior - behavior that affects no one other than myself - I should be blamed or held responsible for someone else’s actions.
But I also know some girls that just use it as a “birth control”, because I do live in a college town, so I ask you Alexa when does it stop being pro-life and start being pro-common sense?
I guess my question here would be, if one abortion is okay, why would several be any less acceptable? Is there a magic number at which it becomes unacceptable?
I think given the physical turmoil the body goes through in an abortion, people should/would strive to avoid them. But, I am lucky in that I can afford birth control and have the luxury of easy access to it. With all that the government does these days to make it hard for women to get a hold of easily affordable birth control, it doesn’t surprise me that some women resort to abortion as a means of birth control. You do what you have to do in the circumstances you find yourself in.