I’m Not Going to Tell Them
July 26, 2008
One of the things I have wrestled with as I’ve started this new line of work, as I explained a few days ago, is whether or not to tell my parents what I am doing to make a living. Should I, or shouldn’t I? It is literally possible to construct a variety of valid arguments for a decision in either direction.
I’ve had conversations with several women who work in this industry, and for the vast majority of them, the decision was easy - don’t tell them; my life is my life, not theirs. They don’t need to know. That’s true, obviously, but ignores the basic relationship that many people have with the people who raised them, one that typically includes some measure of honesty. You feel dishonest by not telling them, and to some, that damages or degrades the relationship you have with them.
There are some who do advocate being honest with them. Amanda Brooks, who has written two books on escort work, and whom I admire deeply, is one of those people. In an e-mail conversation we were having on this subject, upon learning that I had planned to wait until I decided if this was something I could do, agreed, and said…
No need to cause them worry right now. Wait and see how it all fits into your life… I think they’ll give you more acceptance than you expect. And over time, as they see you succeed in your own life, they’ll realize sex work is not all the stereotypes they’ve read, especially when it comes to their own daughter. [emphasis mine]
She has an absolutely valid and very cogent point, one that fits in with my position about activism with respect to sex work, in fact. I want to be an example of someone who’s not ashamed of the fact that she works in the sex industry and advocates for openness and acceptance. You can’t do that by hiding the fact that you work in the industry. *sigh*
My original intent was to wait until I got into it to see if this was something I would enjoy and would continue doing. And, thus far, I have enjoyed it immensely, though I am fully cognizant of the fact that there will be bad days/clients at some point in the future. I’m not naive enough to believe it’ll always be positive; nothing in life is.
But, there’s more to it than that, of course.
I’d like to say that I’ve always had a very open, forthright relationship with my parents, but that would be somewhat of an exaggeration. We have been very open with a great many subjects, including sexuality. My parents raised us to appreciate our own bodies, and to understand what sex was, how it fits into how you view your own self, and their views on how they thought sex ought to fit into relationships. And they relied on us to to formulate our own opinions and make our own decisions. I don’t recall ever truly having disappointed my parents.
You can imagine how they might feel if they found out I’d decided to become a prostitute, though. And, to be honest, I never told them I was dancing, either. I think they’d have far less of a problem with me taking my clothes off and gyrating on people than they would with me actually fucking them. Maybe I should tell them now that I was a dancer for three years, even when I was living at home. 
Sarah, on her blog, counsels an apparent acquaintance against telling her parents that she’s an escort. In a comment I made there, I had to agree with her. And until I’d read her post, I don’t know that I had come to a final decision in my own mind about whether or not to tell my parents. But Sarah’s lamentation about how one’s parents would react sealed my decision almost instantaneously. She’s right when she states that:
Your parents are not ready for this. They will NEVER be ready for this. It is not something any parent wants their child to come home and tell them. It will destroy everything they have tried to teach you, even if you think they are not so good as parents…
With perhaps a couple of exceptions that I’ve seen on television or in documentaries, no parent wants their child, their daughter, to become a prostitute. My parents are not going to be any different, of that I am 100% confident.
The reality is that this saddens me. Not so much because I think everyone should necessarily welcome the decision to become a hooker, but because, by not telling your parents, you lose one critical support mechanism that would be available to you if something happens. It’s sad that you can’t tell your parents what you do because of that embarrassment, that stigma.
Most parents, of course, would support you if something happened and they found out the hard way (Ashley Dupre’s family was an excellent example of this). But they’re going to have to do that in a parallel with coming to grips with the fact that you are actually a prostitute, plus the fact that you didn’t trust them enough to tell them on the front end.
I know my parents would likely be devastated, though perhaps not to the degree that others might. There’s some history in the family that would cushion (for lack of a better word) the impact of such a discovery (a relative who works in the porn industry). But as I stated here, I leaned toward not telling them to protect them, not me. I don’t care if a friend or some anonymous person knows that I fuck people for a living. It doesn’t bother me. I do try to keep myself largely anonymous, though, to protect myself and my clients from being recognized on the street. I think everyone understands the nature of that dichotomy.
But if my parents know, they’ll have to expend extra effort to avoid bringing up me and my work, or will be forced to lie about what I do when someone asks them what I do when the subject of their children come up. Right now, they just think I am a student, and that’s what they tell everyone. And of course, that is accurate, just not fully so.
So, there you have it. I feel most comfortable not telling them at this point, and that is the decision I have made.
I will tell my sister, though. She lives in Los Angeles, just a few hours down the road, and she’s the closest one to me who could help me if something did happen. And I know she won’t breathe a word of it to mom and dad.
I know many of you who read this are going to support my decision, and I appreciate that. I am curious, though. What would you personally do if your daughter came to you and told you she was planning on becoming a prostitute? It’s one thing for you to support me, but another thing entirely when it involves your daughter, no? Would you prefer that she upfront with you, or would you rather not know? Would you tell your friends or coworkers that your child worked as a prostitute?
Posted by Alexa | Filed Under Alexa, Sexuality, Work
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15 Responses to “I’m Not Going to Tell Them”
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No parent is ever ready to hear their child is gay, or pregnant and unwed or in sex work. Goes without saying.
But my mother is not a fragile little thing liable to break in two with my honesty. Telling her was scary and hard, but she knew it was a sign of respect. It was and is. Even harder was telling her I was returning to sex work. I feel she deserves the truth from me instead of someone else. She also understands it’s none of anyone else’s business, so no, she doesn’t discuss it with others. It’s not from her own shame, but protecting me.
I spoke with a mother on MySpace who is thinking of starting a support group for parents of sex workers. I like the idea. I also like the idea that the more sex workers come out to their families, the less stigma there will be over time. Again and again, I point to the Gay Movement as a model of coming out. It’s important for so many reasons.
I’ve been made to feel ashamed for my calling to sex work. I’m tired of that. I am not ashamed and my mother is not ashamed. However, we ARE pretty weary of the crap in society surrounding sex work.
XX
PS: Not telling you what you should do, Alexa. Just further musings :)
Amanda,
I spoke with a mother on MySpace who is thinking of starting a support group for parents of sex workers. I like the idea.
As do I. That is an excellent idea.
Maybe I should just ask my mother if she’d like to be a member of a support group for sex workers. She’ll ask, “Why would I do that?” And then I could tell her.
And damn you for making me second guess my decision again! I can’t argue with any of the points you made in your post, though. At all.
Alexa:
I wouldn’t tell your parents. I would not want to know if my daughter was a prostitute. As much as you want to be honest with your parents, I believe Amanda hit it right on the head: No parent is ever prepared to hear that.
You never toldl them you danced. There must have been a reason you didn’t do that. Why would you not them know you were dancing, but tell them you fucking for money?
Telling your sister, I agree with. Los Angeles is close to San Fran, and gives you a support system that is close to you geographically.
Ultimately, it is your life and you know your relationship with your parents better than the internet ever will. Good luck no matter what you decide.
Turning your own mother out as an activist! I LOVE that!
XX
Alexa,
I think it’s a complicated decision. As a mother, I can’t say that I would *want* to know for sure. I mean, part of me would want to know what my child was doing, even if I didn’t agree with it. I would love them anyway.
Somehow I think your mum would feel the same way, kwim?
Maybe this is more about you finding the right way to tell her.
You might be surprised… parents can be wonderfully understanding sometimes…
xoxo,
nina
Alexa,
I would hope my daughter could come to me with such information. It represents a trust, a trust I may have been trying to cultivate her entire life. I hope I would be receptive to the information. My underlying question would be why. What is the motovation, the answer to that question I think is more damaging then the fact of being a hooker or not.
Stephen
Stephen,
What is the motovation, the answer to that question I think is more damaging then the fact of being a hooker or not.
The motivation invariably is going to be financial gain. I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that a young woman can do that will allow her to earn anything close to what escorts do in terms of an hourly wage.
I was pretty sure it was for the money, but is the sole reason just the money. Is the money for education? Or is it that being a escort at this time is the most gain for the least effort. Doctors can make more money, so can captains of industry. The only problem with thoes occupations is the delay. It is not something an 18-25 year old young girl can do. Perhaps being a escort is the chance to have the best of both.
It’s normal for adult children to keep details of their life private from their parents especially. their work life. I would go as far as to say it’s abnormal for a child to share everything that happens in their life with their parents, other family members, or friends. You certainly don’t believe, or should you expect, that they have shared every detail of their life with you..
You expressed some vaiid concerns in your “fear” post, so I know this issue will probally remain unsettled in your mind.. You might have to revisit it and change your decision, which is also a normal thing to do.
I didnt read all the comments so I dont know if this was asked, but I’m curious. Your parents know you’re a student. How do they think you’re paying for college? It is quite an expensive school. Do they think you’re just getting full financial aide?
I think as a parent I would be devestated and afraid if my child told me that she wanted to be a prostitute. Yes its her decision and I cant stop her if its something she really wanted to do, but I would attempt to talk her out of it.
I just lost my comment so excuse this one, i’m gonna cut to the point instead of retyping it all >.< !
I would want my daughter to come out to me because i’d like to believe that I raised a mature and responsible woman who knew what was best for her. If she were upfront with me about it then we could discuss why she made that decision and what precautions she was taking. It would be far easier, IMO, to handle than finding out later on. It might be hard to accept but for me it would be even harder to find out that something did happen to her and then have to live with the guilt that she wasn’t comfortable coming to me and perhaps I could have helped her in some way. Even if nothing bad happened to her I would want to know because I always want my daughter to feel as if she can come to me with anything, no matter how hard it might be for me to hear and understand.
I’m sure my opinion would be far different if I didn’t know you though and it’s bound to change as I have kids.
As for telling friends, I probably wouldn’t but not out of shame. I would be scared with the legal aspect. If it were legal then I would rather lose friends than make my daughter feel as if there is something ‘wrong’ with her decision. Unless of course she didn’t want people to know, in which case she could pick any profession she wished and I would tell them that.
I have a daughter who is a single parent.
Would I want to know if she was an escort?…………not really.
Why would I want to know?………I can’t think of a valid reason so I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know.
What input could I give that would be useful?……..none that I can think of..
I don’t particularly want to know what kind of sex life she has as she wouldn’t want to know about mine. Paid for or not.
The key for me is this; all I need to know is that my daughter is happy and well and that I’m there for her; and all she needs to know about me is the same.
It boils to whether both parties want to or need to share this information.
Is it a want or a need?
I don’t see a need on the part of the parent and the only need on the part of the son or daughter must be for some approval or acceptance as I see it.
……….the most important acceptance is your own; not your parents.
the most important acceptance is your own; not your parents.
I definitely agree with that on a basal level, but there’s a part of me that believes that, as Amanda pointed out, out of respect for them, I should let them know about something like this. I mean, if it becomes publicly known, it will affect them as well, not just me. So I am conflicted between wanting to protect them now vs. protecting them in the future.
Obviously, there are a wide variety of viewpoints and reasonings behind them here. All of them perfectly understandable, and I *really* appreciate the input from each of you. You’ve all given me food for thought.
Brian,
Why would you not them know you were dancing, but tell them you fucking for money?
My parents finding out I was a dancer wouldn’t have the emotional impact on them that finding out about this would.
I think it all comes down to whether it would hurt them.
Very often, people agonize over whether to tell a spouse that they have cheated on them. The only possible reason for doing so is to hurt the other party; why else would you tell them?
It could be the same thing here. If you know that it would hurt them, then you have a duty not to tell them. There’s no overriding reason TO tell them, and in the absence of that, it could only do harm.
At least, that’s what I think. I’m not a big one for honesty for the sake of honesty; sometimes what people don’t know can’t hurt them is much more important than total access to every bit of information possible.
No father, no matter how liberal he is would be able to accept and live peacefully with the knowledge that his little pricess is a sex worker.