Performance Anxiety
July 16, 2008
My client last night was a virgin. No, not like that - an escort n00b. He’d never been with an escort or courtesan before. I don’t know why he picked me, and I didn’t ask. It didn’t matter, really. I had a job to do.
And, as is somewhat common with virgins, they sometime have, well, performance anxiety. He was a bit put out by it, as you might imagine. Such a man in lesser hands might have been in for a long, perhaps fruitless night. But Alexa’s psychological and communications skills and masterful oral and vaginal talents brought about a, shall we say, successful resolution. This was one of those instances where a two-hour minimum actually helped. Had I been booked for an hour, we might have had a problem. The pressure to get done in that hour coupled with the pressure he was already feeling to perform would’ve done him in, methinks.
He was cool about it, and the fact that I was able to divert him through the art of conversation helped a lot. We were able to establish a rapport and that kind of helped him get his big head off the problems of his little head, and allow it to work like he wanted it to.
I’ve been told by people on multiple occasions that I am intimidating. By both sexes, actually. Sexually aggressive women are generally seen that way, and I’ve never been one to hide my…aggression! 
Actually, that is true for either sex. Men who are sexually aggressive are seen as intimidating as well. It’s just that it is far less common to see it in women than men - we’re not supposed to be sexually aggressive. So it tends to catch people off guard a bit. That’s been an issue for me for a good while now, ever since the middle of high school, in fact. I liked to chase straight girls in high school and in college, and it wasn’t beyond me to use that intimidation factor to my advantage. It’s not always bad, even though it might seem that way to the uninitiated. Some people find that alluring, actually. Sexy, even. I guess some of that’s because it is somewhat unique for a female. It’s different, and different = attractive to some people. Ha. The stories I could tell about my exploits in high school. By the time I graduated, I was responsible for initiating no less than ten girls into bisexuality. But, alas, I digress.
This has been a problem for me online occasionally as well. I was online from the time I was 14. I started out web camming with people (again, another story). As I moved through adolescence, and spent more time online, and my personal experience base grew, my knowledge of sexuality began to expand. By the time I turned 17, I was dispensing sex advice to people in a variety of online forums. And I tend to be pretty straightforward with what I have to say. When you combine that with the utter ignorance about sexuality that many people possess, especially teenagers, my advice was often seen as being presented arrogantly. That continues largely unabated, by the way. Even in forums where “adults” are posting questions and advice about sexuality, there’s still a lot of ignorance out there (especially with respect to how birth control works). And so when I post, I often come across a bit tersely at first to those who don’t know me. I recognize this as a personal fault and I do try to inhibit myself from coming across like that, by the way. So it probably surprises some people when they find out that I can be sympathetic to the plight of someone experiencing an issue like performance anxiety.
Of course, those who really know me, and have watched me spend countless posts working with people on issues they have with their sexuality know that I can be very patient and will work with anyone to solve an issue they’re having, or to help them come to some resolution or peace with something they perhaps might not be able to “fix.” I’ve worked with individuals for months in some cases to help calm them down about the fact that they are attracted to members of the same sex, for example. Such attractions are perfectly normal, of course, but to someone who’s been indoctrinated by religious zealotry and abstinence-only disinformation to believe that it isn’t, it can be excruciatingly painful to deal with.
You know, sort of an aside, but not really, one of my favorite things in the world is when someone contacts me and tells me that I’ve helped them understand their sexuality in some form or fashion. I’ve lost count of the number of times that’s happened. But it always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside when someone discovers a part of their sexual selves they’d not been aware of previously because of something I’ve told them or something I’ve written. It’s okay to be gay. It’s okay to be straight. It’s okay to be somewhere in between. It’s okay to have fantasies. It’s okay to enjoy some sex acts and not others. It’s okay to enjoy doing anything with your partner, regardless of what it is, as long as both of you are willing participants. I wish I could beat that into everyone.
And, to tie it back to my original point, it’s okay to have performance anxiety from time to time. The key is to just don’t let it get you down - recognize that it is perfectly normal and not indicative of anything “wrong.” I think my ability to convey that, in the heat of the moment when it really mattered to him, made it well worth the financial investment he made last night. 
And yes, I realize this post has jumped from one thing to another and the pieces only vaguely connected to one another. I don’t know why it did, but you have my sincerest apologies for any confusion it may have caused.
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15 Responses to “Performance Anxiety”
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But Alexa’s psychological and communications skills and masterful oral and vaginal talents
rofl! yes!!!!!!
I enjoyed this post. :)
<3sc
I like that this post jumped from one thing to another. It was just like a recall of random memories, all connected in some way. It was… less tweaked. Real.
Is this how your mind really works?
Great post.
dear dr alex,
a quickie for you.
what is the psycho-sexual deal with my being attracted to people until they show attraction to me?
it has always bugged me.
I have performance issues at times and it’s not something I am at all ashamed of. My sexual desire is complicated and I like it that way. Sometimes the balance and/or cocktail of things going on gets off to a point that it short-circuits the connection from My brain to My cock. I know it will resolve itself, so I don’t stress about it and then fuck with even more vigor when it does. I have had situations where the girl was much more anxious about it than I was, which sort of helps in a backwards way, because feeling her emotions/anxiety beginning to affect the flow of My pleasure sets Me off enough to take charge of her even more and that often gets the cock and brain back in perfect sync.
Is this how your mind really works?
Scottish,
what is the psycho-sexual deal with my being attracted to people until they show attraction to me?
Do you have problems forming close connections with people in general (your parents, significant other, co-workers, etc.)? Maybe you have some flavor of avoidant personality disorder.
M,
I have performance issues at times and it’s not something I am at all ashamed of. My sexual desire is complicated and I like it that way. Sometimes the balance and/or cocktail of things going on gets off to a point that it short-circuits the connection from My brain to My cock. I know it will resolve itself, so I don’t stress about it and then fuck with even more vigor when it does. I have had situations where the girl was much more anxious about it than I was, which sort of helps in a backwards way, because feeling her emotions/anxiety beginning to affect the flow of My pleasure sets Me off enough to take charge of her even more and that often gets the cock and brain back in perfect sync.
I think we’d both agree that you’re a…special case.
You do have a point about those instances where the girl is more anxious about it (especially for the inexperienced one), since she’ll often believe the issue has something to do with her directly.
i would say yes on the deeper levels. family is not something i like but i can bullshit with co-workers and aquaintances.
i can’t look at people without seeing them 50 years from now or otherwise at their worst. not a bad thing because i am good at identifying people who i really do like. but i think it’s a groucho (?) marx thing… ‘ wouldn’t want to join any club that would have someone like me as a member!’
people must be flawed if they can’t see through my bullshit…or choose to bypass it.
when i reflected on my question i thought perhaps your recommendation would be a week of immersion therapy in a dungeon somewhere.
my next thought was; is there any problem in the world that cannot be resolved by strapping someone - or being strapped down by someone - and really doing, or being done, to the point of a monged cataclysm?
scottish,
when i reflected on my question i thought perhaps your recommendation would be a week of immersion therapy in a dungeon somewhere.
Well, in all honesty, that was going to be my next recommendation.
Alexa, you really are worth the money. (Too bad I don’t have enough!!)
Another great post. Thanks.
I think we’d both agree that you’re a…special case.
We can agree on that. I pretty much think you are, as well.
awww! You sure do have a way of making people feel comfortable
As another sexually-comfortable lady, I understand the frustrations of being considered ‘different’. But yay for using those powers for the good, sometimes I just hide how forward I am. Leads to a rich inner thought life.
It’s okay to be gay. It’s okay to be straight. It’s okay to be somewhere in between. It’s okay to have fantasies. It’s okay to enjoy some sex acts and not others. It’s okay to enjoy doing anything with your partner, regardless of what it is, as long as both of you are willing participants. I wish I could beat that into everyone.
AMEN!
[...] had an entertaining post recently about performance anxiety. What guy hasn’t experienced it? Even I have. Rare. But I have. Maybe once. Yeah, just [...]