My Greatest Fear
July 11, 2008
I doubt any you have ever heard of Chantel Robertson. She was murdered recently. She was a sex worker, an escort to be specific.
Renee, over at Womanist Musings, laments the fact that, in her death, she will not be treated with the dignity that most other murder victims are because of what she did for a living.
I suspect that once again, as the media reports on this case what will be lost is Chantal’s humanity. People will not know about her father Michael, or her little brother that loved her, instead they will focus on the fact that she was a sex trade worker, as though somehow this one fact could encapsulate her young life. They will completely sensationalize the story without asking why as a society we devalue these women, why we seem to feel that their lives are worth less than others.
As she suggests, that is not uncommon. When the story of Ashlee Dupre went public, the media was all over it, of course. They sought out her family in New Jersey and shuffled for position to ask about why their daughter and sister became a whore, rather than asking questions about what kind of person she was, or about her desire to have a music career. Every headline about her had the words “hooker” or “prostitute” in it, not “woman” or “young lady” or even “budding musician.” She wasn’t a human being, she was reduced to a job.
Many of the stories, in fact, didn’t even recognize her as her own person. She was “Eliot Spitzer’s Escort,” or “Spitzer’s Call Girl…” She was deprived of her own unique identity as a woman; she belonged to someone else - someone who bought her. She was property, and therefore not worthy of being treated with the respect afforded a real human being when they’re murdered. Chantal was treated similarly. As Renee stated, she was disposable.
We treat their deaths like honour killings as a way of legitimizing their murders because of their occupations.
I’ve had several people ask me about my safety. They know that this line of work is not the safest in the world, though escorts and the like are far less likely to be harmed or killed than people who work the street. I do everything I can to ensure my own safety, from screening clients to taking precautions about the way I carry myself, to some specific processes and procedures I follow when I meet with a client. Still, I am fully cognizant of the fact that what I do carries some degree of risk. Perhaps that is one of the alluring aspects of it for me; I don’t know. I know that if it was, it wasn’t a conscious thing.
My greatest fear isn’t being murdered by some psycho client, though. My greatest fear is what the media will do to my parents, my sister, Nikki, my friends, or anyone else who had the misfortune of being connected to me in some way in the aftermath. They won’t ask about my personality, what I liked to do when I was growing up, my work as an advocate for comprehensive sex education and women’s rights, my graduation from high school and college with honors, or even what kind of work ethic I have. They’ll ask questions like, “Why did she become a call girl?” “Was there anything in her background that would’ve led you to believe she’d become a hooker?” “Was she sexually abused?” They’ll color the questions with words like “call girl,” “escort,” or maybe even the more politically correct “sex worker,” but the tone in their voice will carry the timbre that debrides the cover for what they really want to say.
It would be even worse at this point because my parents don’t know what I do for a living - I haven’t told them. Yet. And you know why? Not because I am ashamed of it. I’m not. If I was, I wouldn’t write here. I don’t want them to know to protect them from the shame they’d likely feel knowing their daughter sells sex for a living. I can’t begin to convey to you how much inner angst I’ve dealt with wanting to be honest with them, knowing that it would hurt them. In all honesty, my mom probably wouldn’t care, as long as she knew I was being safe. My dad would freak, though.
If they did know, though, when someone asked her what their daughter did, they’d have to fight with themselves about what to say in response. How do you tell someone your daughter is a prostitute? So, in my eyes, it is just better at this point that they not know. They can be content telling everyone I am a graduate student - that sounds so much more…acceptable, no?
I am considering telling them at some point. I wanted to get in and make sure it was something I could do before I seriously considered taking that step. Of course, if something happens to me before I’ve had that chance, the way they’d find out would likely devastate them, if for no other reason than the fact that I wasn’t honest with them. I’ve already taken the precaution of writing a letter to them apologizing for misleading them, and explaining how I arrived at the decision to do this in the event that something were to happen to me. I hope it would offer them some small measure of comfort.
And I’ll always carry this with me. Even when I transition out of this line of work, I’ll still be a “former hooker,” or “former prostitute” to the media, if they ever figure out who I am. Interestingly, if I had been an accountant or an attorney, they wouldn’t refer to me as “former accountant,” “former bookkeeper,” or “former attorney” unless it was wholly relevant to a story they were doing. But regardless of anything I did in the future, I’d always be referred to as simply a former purveyor of sex. As if somehow I could be so narrowly defined.
If I were to be exposed while I were still alive, I’ll at least be here to put a face to the name, to the work, to the human being that I am. I’ll be able to explain to people why I’ve taken the path I have, and even if they don’t agree with it, they are confronted with the fact that I am a real, live person - a person with thoughts, hopes, dreams and aspirations, just like they are. I can’t, and won’t, be portrayed simply as a whore. I am so much more robust than that. Like debauchette, I’ll fight back.
If I were to be killed, though, everyone would make assumptions and there’d be no one to speak for me, as me. I’d become an object, a fuck toy for the media, if you will. The media will use me, just as they used Ashley, and just as they used Deborah Jeane Palfrey, without compensation, for their own lurid purposes. I’d be objectified. The media will cast me as a prostitute, a hooker, a call girl, when I am so much more than that, even to my clients. I don’t feel objectified by my clients, but the media would do just that. I wonder if the irony of that escapes them when they write their headlines about someone like Chantal being killed?
Here’s a tip for you folks who write copy for the media: When you’re writing about a woman (or a man) who is or may have been a sex worker, avoid headlines like, “Former Hooker Alexa…” and write something like, “Alexa…, a woman who is believed to have been a sex worker…” or “Alexa, a woman who was convicted of (or arrested for) prostitution…” Even that subtle change in the way your sentence is constructed allows the person to be presented as a unique human being with a name, rather than just the sum of his/her work.
Chantal, I never met you but I am so sorry. I am sorry that your life had to come to such a tragic end. I am sorry that you never had the chance to live out your dreams, and most of all I am sorry that even in death you have not been granted the respect that is your due. Sleep well baby girl.
Indeed. I hope Chantel has found some measure of peace, wherever she is.
Comments
14 Responses to “My Greatest Fear”
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I honestly don’t fear this for you at all. Maybe its because of your intelligence and/or precautions, but I just don’t. I also don’t think this girl had your other talents and outside interests - maybe, but highly doubtful. This will not happen to you, Alexa, period.
Because then you wouldn’t be able to open that uber-successful chain of BDSM/fetish clubs in suburban shopping malls across the country. And we both know that will happen, its your destiny…
Unfortunate and unfair as it is, I’m afraid that what you listed as your fears is true. The media reflects society and the facts are that misconceptions, stereotypes, and prejudices about people do exist.
Serious misfortune and even murder happens everyday , and the media is always looking for some hook, about the victim to grab the attention of their readers and listeners. When a story lists a detail that confirms a stereotype profile of someones life then that detail might be reported. Friends, relatives , neighbors and employers might even be questioned about the victims life and character. Often times the worst is suspected by the cynical, and all the good about the victim is dismissed.
It’s better for everyone that is important to you to know what your life is about. They might not approve, but the knowledge they have reduces the the number of unanswered questions they would have if some misfortune came your way.
I could be wrong about all of this, but I believe that a person should always plan for the worst and hope for the best….I hope for the best for You.
I used to work with Chantals father and her death came as a huge shock to me.At womanist musings my goal is to bring attention to bodies that matter. I believe that as a society we routinely construct certain groups of people in order to exploit them for gain. Everyday my goal is to say to everyone these people matter, look outside of your privilege and see our common humanity.
Renee, thank you for your work. <3
blackdog,
I honestly don’t fear this for you at all. Maybe its because of your intelligence and/or precautions, but I just don’t. I also don’t think this girl had your other talents and outside interests - maybe, but highly doubtful. This will not happen to you, Alexa, period.
I do as much as I reasonably can to protect myself, but just as with any other crime, if someone wants to do harm to someone bad enough, and I happen to be the unfortunate one to cross their path at the wrong time…
I am looking forward to opening that chain of stores, though.
Phil,
I could be wrong about all of this, but I believe that a person should always plan for the worst and hope for the best….
No, I agree. That has always been the case with me as well - prepare the contingency plans and then hope you don’t need them.
I hope for the best for You.
Thank you, sir.
Oh Alexa. I wish I could say something to comfort you which is why I haven’t commented until now. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is much. You have valid concerns and I feel for you, I hate to see you have to think this all through. It’s not fair that you should ever be bothered by these thoughts and I truly wish I could hold the key to fix everything.
Everyone who has been graced by your presence knows who you are. You’re not a hooker, prostitute, slut, or any other negative things to me. You’re an amazing woman who i’ve grown to care about a lot. Just the thought that anything could happen to you bothers me and I would flip out if people then began to label you as I have in the past when you didn’t even have much of a problem with it.
I’m sure the pain would be even greater for your loved ones *but* in the end they would make it through because they know the real you and no matter what they get put through being part of your life and knowing you is well worth it, IMO.
I don’t think anyone close to you would let your name be stained without putting up a fight, I certainly wouldn’t.
Pain would be unavoidable if something were to happen to you, it would come in all different types but love overrides that. You’re doing what you feel called to and although consequences could be there for the ones you love I truly believe that everyone will be okay because they know the real you.
Wow, Keeley. Thank you for that. Those comments mean a lot to me, and I appreciate you taking the time to put them into words!
You’re an amazing woman who i’ve grown to care about a lot.
emma caldwell’s pic was on a big billboard for months with a number to ring for information about her murder. they took it down when someone got arrested and i don’t see anyone rushing to put it back up now the trial has collapsed.
objectification in absence and through the initial hypocricy of the police and media to pretend they ever gave a fuck.
in the unikely event that i out-live you, i’ll write you a commemoration that would make that freaky pervert st paul himself weep from every orafice with love and empathy.
I don’t know how long I’ve been against the media and how it takes the liberty to portray people they hardly know as whatever they please. But I’m sure, 110% that if anything ( ______ forbid) where to happen to you, Nikki, of all people would work to show that you are/were an amazing person with so much at her feet.
You don’t need to be made out to be a only a ‘hooker’, and you don’t need anyone to mark you as one. Although, as someone who is alive, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.
<3 sc
scottish pineapple,
in the unikely event that i out-live you, i’ll write you a commemoration that would make that freaky pervert st paul himself weep from every orafice with love and empathy.
Thank you. I think.
Shannon, thank you, sweety.
You said it! My greatest fear was similar, which is why, immediately upon the bust, I took down my “real life” websites, deleted my “real” MySpace accounts, and called companies I formerly worked with pleading with them to remove any online information about me. I basically went into hiding in March and April, fearing that I would lose those closest to me if the media decided to go after any of the girls that worked alongside Ashley. It’s not that I am embarased about my work. I loved my work! But the I couldn’t handle the idea of losing everyone due to the picture the media would paint. It’s a shame. I hope that tolerance and understanding will grow sooner than later. I would like to think that all the media attention our industry has been getting lately is the birth of a change in the way this country views our line of work.
The advice always given to me about safety was if anything ever feels off, leave immediately. The money isn’t worth risking your safety over. Use good judgment, trust your instinct and don’t do anything that would impair your judgment of a client or situation. You are precious, and need not forget that.
Raquel
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