My First Time
June 23, 2008
Many people have asked what my first experience with another girl was like. I never used to write about it publicly, though I’d hinted at some things here and there, and told many in private some of what you’re about to read. If you know anything about me, you know how intense this experience was for me - so much so that I consider it the watershed moment in my life thus far (not just sexually - it opened my eyes to a lot of what makes me me). I’ve said many times that this experience literally defines me to this day.
The “Nikki” here is the same Nikki I am with today. After this experience, we remained close friends throughout high school, sharing each other physically when we weren’t attached to someone else (always boys), and using each other as a sounding board for those things that teenage girls deal with as they move through high school. Since May of 2005, we’ve been an official couple, and this is the first committed relationship with another female for the both of us. Our relationship, however, is an open one, and has been since we became official. I know those are hard to understand for some people, and I’ll try to explain more about that in the not too distant future.
This was written some two and a half years ago, and is written in language I was comfortable using then. I don’t know that I recall thinking about what happened in the exact terms that I use here for the most part, though the feelings I embrace here are most certainly the ones that went through my head at that time. Some of it will sound silly, but the thought processes of a 15 year old are not the most rational to begin with as a general rule. I have not edited the story from when I originally wrote it. I believe my writing has matured somewhat since that point, but I thought perhaps you might glean some nuggets about me not only from what transpired itself, but how I wrote about it just two short years ago.
At the time, I was already very comfortable with my sexuality for the most part, and had already had sex with Matt, my boyfriends who’d just moved away to another state. Up to this point, however, I’d not even given the first thought to having sex with another girl, and I think that is why this was a watershed for me. It awakened something within me that, today, I fully embrace as a central part of who I am as a female, though at the time it caused some serious internal conflict. Nikki, too, had also been sexually active, though I didn’t know it at the time.
With perhaps a couple of exceptions, those of you who read this didn’t know me two and a half years ago. At the time I rarely allowed myself to become vulnerable. I still have problems with that to an extent today. Revealing your innermost thoughts about something so intensely personal as this puts it all out there for everyone to see, and allows for an examination of what makes one tick. Despite my inclination to hold back a lot of that with respect to myself, I do think these kinds of things help the reader understand why some things mean more to me than others, and why I view things in certain ways.
I had had (and continue to have) several people, other girls mostly, ask me what my first time was like. So I wrote it both as a testament to what Nikki and I have together, and as a tool to help other girls understand that the thoughts and feelings they experience with an attraction for another girl are nothing to be scared of. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Most of you who know me see me as the one who initiates stuff, but here you’ll see how that was not always the case. :P Anyway, I hope it sheds some light on things for you.
December 31, 2000
Ever since Matt had left, I had been feeling kind of down, and was terribly excited when I was invited to a New Year’s Eve party that was being held at a friend’s house a few blocks down. My parents were concerned, though, that there’d be some drinking going on. I told them I was sure there wouldn’t be, even though I knew some of the people there would likely be imbibing to one extent or the other, simply because they felt like it was okay to do so given the nature of the party. Oddly enough, that was to be the least of my concerns this evening.
My parents dropped me off in front of the house, which was decorated with balloons and other party decorations. There were quite a few people there already, most of whom I knew only casually. There were a handful of people I considered good friends, though, so I spent much of the evening chatting, drinking soda and snacking with them. Someone suggested we play some kind of game, and being the group of teenagers that we were, we of course had to put some suggestive fun into it. Someone suggested a game of Truth or Dare, and most everyone seemed to acquiesce to that. A few people, apparently knowing how these games usually transpire, found other things to do. Of course, not wanting to be a party-pooper, I jumped right in. I was given a Truth to tell whether or not I had smoked anything before. I hadn’t, so I told the truth.
I had answered a couple more truth questions and I got hit again. This time I was dared to French kiss another girl for 10 seconds. That girl turned out to be Nicole, or Nikki, a girl who had been in several of my classes, and had been to the first pool party I had, but had otherwise drawn relatively little notice from me at school. Although initially hesitant, Nikki agreed to do it just so the guys wouldn’t win a point. I wasn’t really excited about it, but wasn’t bothered by the fact that I was going to be kissing another girl – it just seemed different. Nikki was very pretty – a lean brunette with an extremely nice body, a dark tan not unlike mine, and was dressed impeccably. I just assumed that she would have been as tentative as I was about kissing another girl, but she didn’t appear to be the least bit phased by the dare. Everyone started saying things like, “make it a real kiss,” “don’t cheat and just touch lips,” and “she won’t do it.” I wasn’t sure which “she” they were referring to, but a dare was a dare as far as I was concerned. I went over to where Nikki was standing and we both grinned a huge grin as I leaned in to kiss her.
As our lips made contact, everyone started hooting and hollering of course, even the girls! I decided to get a little playful with it and kind of pulled back a little bit and let my tongue play across her lips. I guess she sensed what I was doing and reciprocated with her tongue. I reached up and put my hand on the back of her head and kissed her just like I had done my boyfriend not two months earlier, and Nikki kissed me back just as passionately, and everyone went crazy. I definitely felt a spark during that kiss – it was hard to characterize for me because I’d never felt anything like it before. As we broke off the kiss, one of the guys said, “That is the fucking hottest thing I have ever seen in my life.” Everyone seemed to enjoy the little show, and I have to admit that I felt a little flustered when we were done. Everyone was still talking about the kiss over the next couple of rounds and everyone kept saying that if I got picked again, they were going to dare me to kiss Nikki again. The game ended rather shortly thereafter, though, as some other people showed up and distracted everyone.
Once we were finished with the game, Nikki had gone outside. I followed her, and when I approached her she got a big grin on her face. I asked her what she thought about our kiss. She expressed a little bit of embarrassment, but said that she thought it was incredibly hot, and that she’d never kissed another girl before. I told her that I hadn’t either, but I sure hoped it wouldn’t be the last time, and giggled. Nikki looked at me and asked if I really meant that. I told her that I most certainly did. Nikki then tells me that she, too, though our kiss was very erotic, and wanted to know if I would kiss her again. I must have gotten a shocked look on my face, because she apologized for apparently taking my words the wrong way. I explained to her that she did not need to apologize; I was simply caught off guard. I told her I didn’t think it would be a good idea to kiss again right here where everyone could see us, and suggested we find a quiet place that we could go try it again. We both giggled and went off into the huge house to find a room not being used.
We made our way upstairs to what appeared to be a guest bedroom, and we shut the door as we walked in. I was as nervous as I had ever been about anything in my life to that point, but the feeling I had experienced kissing Nikki the first time had had a powerful effect on me, and I was determined to explore it a little further. As we shut the door, I pulled Nikki by her shirt to me and our lips met once again. The feelings I experienced were electrifying – not so much because I was kissing someone, but because I was kissing another girl and I knew that it was taboo. I was caught up in the tremendous sensations of enjoying the taste of Nikki’s lips (bubblegum-flavored lip gloss), the softness of her touch that was unlike what I had experienced with Matt, and the sweet smell of Nikki’s perfume. Perhaps the best word to use might be intoxicating – for that is a very accurate characterization of how I felt. We kissed for quite a few minutes, just playfully teasing each other’s lips and tongues. I wasn’t quite sure what to do next.
Nikki put her arms around my waist and drew me closer, as if that were possible, and proceeded to kiss me down my cheek, to my neck and then lightly nibbled on my ear. I thought to myself, “Oh, my god, what is she doing?” I suppose she sensed some hesitation on my part, because she stopped and asked me if I wanted her to go any farther. I asked her what she had in mind, and she said if we kissed each other, we might as well spend a little bit of time playing around, if I felt like doing that. I asked her if she had any problems fooling around with another girl, and she laughed. She said she’d just kissed me passionately, so she couldn’t understand why I would think she’d have a problem fooling around a little more than we already had. She said she knew that some girls in our school had done stuff with other girls, and that she was curious as to what it would be like. I wasn’t sure how to react, because this had come as a surprise to me that what she was saying might be true.
I asked Nikki, “What do you do to a girl?” To which she responded that she didn’t know, we’d have to play with it and see what happened. She pulled me closer to her and kissed me again, darting her tongue into my mouth. I gave in and responded in kind with my tongue. Nikki started to move her hands under my sweater and I got weak in the knees – so weak that I had to sit down. We sat on a couch-like piece of furniture and resumed making out, and Nikki started going under my sweater again. This time I just let her. Her hands were incredibly soft as the glided around my waist and up my back. I followed suit and proceeded to mimic her actions. She moaned lightly and asked me to take her sweater off, which I did. I then unzipped her bustier and took it off, exposing her tits to me – she wasn’t wearing a bra. This was the first time I had ever seen a girl’s breasts in a sexual situation, obviously, and was taken aback by the look of them for a few minutes. I regained my composure and took off my shirt, then reached around and unhooked my bra and let it fall to the floor. Nikki reached over and grabbed my tits with her hands, and I did likewise to hers. She moved her mouth down to my chest and took my right nipple in her mouth and sucked it for a few seconds, followed by licking it, and then moving over to the other one to lick it as well. After she’d done that for a few seconds, I pulled her face back up to mine and kissed her again, and then moved my face down to her chest and repeated what she’d done to me. The sensation of sucking another girl’s tits was incredible. There was more mass there to pull into my mouth than there had been with Matt, so it felt different to be able to actually suck on a breast. I teased her by lightly biting on her nipples, for which she moaned lightly. I thought to myself, this is fun – I see why guys like doing it.
I finally decided to make the next move and began unbuckling Nikki’s jeans. She was wearing a belt that was identical to mine, so it took no time to loosen it and unbutton her jeans. I attempted to slide them down over her ass, but in our current position, this proved to be a little more difficult than I was prepared for. Nikki reached down and pushed her pants down herself and we just laughed. Then Nikki undid my belt and pants, and we both got up and stepped out of our pants. Here we were, both of us standing there in our underwear, with our bodies exposed to each other. This felt incredibly intense, yet very tentative, not unlike the first time I had gone through a similar process with Matt. I pulled Nikki to me once again and we kissed some more, and I suddenly felt Nikki’s hand wandering south toward my pussy. I immediately got chill bumps, and Nikki just laughed. She finally got there and slid her hand between my legs and cupped my pussy – I jerked at the feeling. Nikki asked me if I ever played with myself down there, to which I of course answered “yes, frequently.” “Me, too,” she said, giggling. “Can you make yourself cum?” she asked. “Of course,” I said, not realizing at the time that many girls have problems achieving orgasms through masturbation.
“Have you ever tasted yourself?” she asked. I had tasted myself on my fingers after masturbating and on Matt’s lips after he’d gone down on me, so I answered affirmatively. “Me, too” she said, and then followed it up with, “I’ve always wondered what another girl would taste like.” I had to have blushed, though I doubt that Nikki could tell since it was relatively dark in the room we had commandeered. I told her that, though I’d never given that any thought, I suppose I, too, would be curious as to what another girl’s pussy might taste like. “Well, do you mind if I find out?” Nikki asked. “Oh my gosh,” I hesitated. At that very moment I wanted nothing more than for her to go down on me – my pussy was throbbing with anticipation. At the same time, though, I realized that we were entering uncharted territory and that if someone walked in on us we would be incredibly embarrassed and I’d never be able to face my friends or anyone else at school afterward. Still, the heat of the moment demanded that I say no. And I did. Nikki moved her way down my belly, kissing it as she moved southward. She got down onto her knees, and started pulling my panties off. I must have been thirty shades of red. I could feel my face become flushed, and was glad that she was unable to see me fully. Not that I was embarrassed to be naked, but that I was naked and about to have sex with another girl. Nikki told me to pull my legs back so she could get to my pussy, and I obliged her. Nikki made a comment about how wet I was, and that I must be enjoying myself as much as she was. When her tongue and lips made contact with my pussy, I jerked again, but she didn’t let up one bit. She explored my pussy with the same hesitancy that Matt had exhibited the first time he made his way into the forbidden territory. This, of course, was not unexpected, given that this was her first trip into a pussy from that angle as well. She eventually made contact with my clit, however, and I let out a yelp, and tried to silence it as quickly as it had slipped out. I let out a muffled “Oh, Jesus,” and she responded just as anyone paying attention would be expected to once they’d found the special button that every girl knows as the center of her sexual universe. She spent maybe 30 seconds working my clit with her magical tongue and I sensed that warm tingliness that portends an orgasm building deep within my being.
Instinctively, I reached down and pulled her face into my crotch even tighter and it seemed as though she intensified what she was doing just that much more. I distinctly remember thinking to myself that she had managed to bring about my orgasm so much faster than Matt had ever been able to, but attributed that to the fact that I knew this was forbidden territory. Still, my orgasm came about with an intensity that I have only rarely experienced, even in my most heated sexual encounters since that night.
It is amazing what someone can do with a talented tongue when it is applied effectively on a clit. In the hands of an appropriate master, the tongue can levy an incredible sensation, not unlike what I expect Nirvana to be like. I continued to pull Nikki’s into me, and I came all over her face as she continued to work her magic with her tongue – so much so that I had to stop her once my orgasm began to subside due to the extremely intense sensations that I was feeling. She stopped using her tongue on me and backed up. I just looked at her and told her that that was *the* most intense orgasm I had ever had. She climbed up on top of me and kissed me – she had my juices all over her face, and I could taste myself on her. She began to grind herself on my leg, and I stopped her. “Wait, I want to try doing that to you,” I told her, not wanting to pass up what at the time seemed like it might be my only opportunity to try something so taboo. She stood up and quickly dropped her panties, and told me that it won’t take much, and laid back on the couch next to me. I got up and moved to my knees, grabbed her knees and lifted them apart, and moved in for what was going to be my first taste of another girl. I, too, noticed how incredibly wet she was, and realized that if I didn’t perform correctly, she might not achieve the same results that I did, and it occurred to me how badly I would feel if that happened. No pressure.
I kissed my way up her leg, similar to what I had done when moving in to give Matt one of my excellent blow jobs, and I could feel her tense up with anticipation. I am not 100% sure that she wasn’t already on her way to the big O, but I knew I was going to do everything in my power to bring her off. I got to her pussy, and could smell the scent of sex. It is hard to characterize it, though I didn’t even attempt to do that then, but it is a musky scent that is unique to a girl’s private regions. I found the scent to be incredibly erotic, and this just made me all the more focused on making sure that Nikki came as powerfully as I did. I moved in and pushed my tongue in between her pussy lips and moved it up to hit her clit. She hollered something unintelligible, and I hoped that she would realize that if she kept that up we might be found out. Still, I attacked her clit with my tongue and lips, alternately sucking and licking it, and within a minute or so, Nikki, too, had her first girl-induced orgasm. Whether or not she’d taken the cue from me, she reached down and pulled my face into her crotch as she began to tense up and climb that mountain that can only be described by the word “orgasm.” I pushed my tongue against her clit and moved it in little circles and Nikki began to moan louder and her body began to get incredibly contorted. Finally, it broke loose. I remember thinking to myself how proud I was that I was, apparently, giving her the same intense pleasure that she had imparted into me, and continued to lick her clit until she, too, could take it no longer and pulled her waist back from my face. I pulled back, unsure of what I should do next, but then I remembered that she had kissed me when I was on my way down the other side of my orgasm, so I reciprocated.
As my lips met Nikki’s, we shared a very passionate, lingering kiss, savoring each other’s juices and smells. All the time I was thinking to myself that I hoped this was not the last time I ever got the opportunity to do this. I had enjoyed the tastes, the smells, the sounds, the *feeling* of having had such an intimate encounter with another girl. Perhaps the naughtiness of it made it so much more intense than it might otherwise have been, but I didn’t care. I had enjoyed it, and I was pretty sure Nikki had as well. Both of us just laid there for the next couple of minutes – I was wondering what we were going to do next. Nikki put her arms around me and held me, and I just luxuriated in the moment, unaware of anything else going on anywhere else on the planet. “Did you enjoy that?” I asked. Nikki just laughed out loud and said, “What do you think, silly? Oh, my god!” I just laid there for a moment. “What do we do now,” I asked. Nikki replied that she didn’t know, and wondered what I suggested. I said we should probably get dressed in case someone wandered in, but secretly thought to myself that if someone were to enter the room with two girls sitting alone in the dark, they could only think one thing in all actuality. We began discussing how we were going to handle the “situation,” such as it was. This obviously changed our relationship, but how we just couldn’t figure out. Though we didn’t bring up the subject of being girlfriends, Nikki did tell me that she had often daydreamed about being with me, in a platonic sort of way, during a couple of classes that we had together. She told me that she’d thought I was very pretty and liked the way I interacted with people, and wanted to be like that herself. I thanked her and told her that I didn’t know of anything I did differently than anyone else to the best of my knowledge – I was just being me. I told her that I had noticed her, but that she seemed so quiet that it never occurred to me that she was anything other than the shy, reserved type. We spent a good bit of time just talking, and occasionally sharing a kiss or two before we decided that we needed to get out of there.
As we put our clothes back on, we discussed the fact that we couldn’t tell anyone about what we had just done – it would be a secret only we would share. At that time, I was sure that I would never tell another soul about what had just happened, while at the same time, hoping that I got the opportunity to do it again with either Nikki or another girl at some point. As I situated myself, I reached out and put my hands on Nikki’s face, and pulled her closer to me, and kissed her passionately again. She didn’t hesitate and kissed me back just as passionately. We spent another ten minutes making out – I could not believe how sexually charged it made me. I wanted to go another round, but knew that we would be missed if we stayed gone much longer. I told Nikki that she needed to go out first and I would follow shortly so that we didn’t appear to have been gone for the same amount of time to the same place. Nikki went to the bathroom next door to the room we were using and went back down to the party.
After she left and headed back, I went into the bathroom, sat down and cried, and thought about the meaning of all that I had just experienced. I was conflicted between the feelings that I had just experienced and the fear that I might be a lesbian. I had read various articles on the Internet about lesbians and knew that there was a stigma attached to that, not unlike what being a gay male engendered. At the time, of course, I was not aware of all of the ramifications of what had just transpired would bring about in my life. I knew, however, that I enjoyed the sex more with Nikki than I had with Matt, and wondered to myself if was going to be forced to just have sexual relations with guys in the future. I remember thinking to myself specifically that, if I could, I would have sex with both girls and guys in the future if the situations presented themselves, and wondered if I would ever get to “experiment” with Nikki again. I spent a lot of time over the succeeding weeks thinking about what I had experienced. I went back downstairs and rejoined the party. Nikki was talking with several other people and when she glanced my way, she smiled with a huge grin for which only I knew the full meaning. I wondered to myself if we were supposed to act friendly toward each other, or if that would be too obvious. I was completely unsure of what I was expected to do next. If it had been a guy, this would never have occurred in the first place, so I was at a total loss as to how to react. This was different, obviously, if for no other reason than the other half of the equation was a girl, and to the best of my knowledge, there were no two-girl relationships in my school. I certainly didn’t want to be the first and be the subject of all of the ridicule that would invite.
As midnight approached, most everyone was pairing off to have someone to kiss at the entrance of the New Year. One of the guys asked Nikki if she was going to kiss me, and she said she would if I would let her. Of course, I jumped at the chance inside, but I wanted to mask my enthusiasm outwardly and said I would let her give me a quick kiss on the lips. At the stroke of midnight, Nikki looked me and grinned and kissed me dead on the mouth. Again, lots of hoots and hollers from the partygoers. This time, however, we just mashed lips in a sort of awkward kiss that left everyone, including me, somewhat disappointed. :-/
As the party wound down in the wee hours of the morning, I entered the New Year completely unsure about where I was headed, what I was to become, and how I felt about Nikki, sex with guys, sex with girls, and everything in between. I wanted so bad to be able to hold Nikki, call her mine and be able to enjoy her, but I was unsure if I felt that way simply because of the physical feelings I had as a result of our sexual encounter, or if there was more to it. I didn’t know if we would get back to school and Nikki would ignore me and pretend nothing happened, or if we would become close friends. I had trouble sleeping that night, replaying the entire episode in my head, and trying to determine the various scenarios that might play out over the next few weeks and months.
Posted by Alexa | Filed Under Alexa, Sexuality
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WOW!
Thanks for sharing. I hope you continue to share this journey with us…
With perhaps a couple of exceptions, those of you who read this didn’t know me two and a half years ago. At the time I rarely allowed myself to become vulnerable. I still have problems with that to an extent today. Revealing your innermost thoughts about something so intensely personal as this puts it all out there for everyone to see, and allows for an examination of what makes one tick.
My dearest, sweet Alexa,
Even tho I have read this before, and even tho I know you and your story — I must thank you for sharing this here, again. It’s a truly beautiful story and a wonderful peek inside the beautiful woman that you are.
Such watersheds are common, as you are now much more aware of and attuned to, but I imagine at the time, as it was for me as well my first time, this all seemed incredibly overwhelming.
As silly as it may sound, I think you’re incredibly brave for opening yourself up like this, and I feel personally touched and honored to share in this with you again.
You have helped me over my rough spots, you have been a constant friend to me, more than that too…, but you have always been you — the complex, deep and lovely woman I have come to call my dearest friend Alexa.
xoxo,
nina
I love this story.
Everytime I read it, its better and better and nothing changes.
It always makes me look back on the year looking for a watershed moment in my life.
I really appreciate you being comfortable enough to put this up. It’s an inspiration in a way.
<3sc
My favourite story of yours, by far.
Good lord! You do know there’s a pic of you and Nikki in the dictionary next to the word, ’sexy’, right? At least in mine there is….
[...] shared some of the same classes, we didn’t really talk again until she and I experienced the the most incredible moment of our lives some seven months [...]
[...] I’d had my first experience with another girl, I went on a tear, seducing as many girls as I could (when I wasn’t in a relationship with a [...]