3,091 Miles
May 30, 2008
I was doing some trip planning today. It is 3,091 miles from Fort Lauderdale to San Francisco. Assuming we can travel an average of 70 mph across the duration of the trip, and about 8 hours of driving time each day, it will take us about 5 days to get there. I doubt we’ll drive just 8 hours each day, though. At least, in the beginning. Fortunately, Nikki is going with me, so we’ll be able to swap out the driving chores.
That is a LOT of fucking time in the car, especially a small one. My little Eclipse is going to hate me for weeks after I get done. We can’t even put the top down because traveling in a convertible on the Interstate is a bit too windy. Almost the entire trip in on one highway, too - Interstate 10! Haha! How boring is that?
The Penomotor and Other Reflexes
May 27, 2008
You know how when you go to the doctor’s office, they always check your patellar (knee) reflex by tapping on the soft spot under your kneecap? Well, there’s several other reflexs your body has built into it that you’re probably not aware of. And of course, I feel duty-bound to bring a few of them to your attention.
For example, the cremasteric reflex. This reflex is what causes the male’s testicles to raise or lower depending upon the temperature, for example. The ideal temperature for the development of sperm is 95 degrees (F). If the scrotum gets too cold, the cremasteric reflex will cause the testicles to rise up toward the body to warm them up. Conversely, if they get too warm, the reflex will drop the testicles to allow them to cool down. If you wish to exercise this reflex, I suppose you could do it by having your partner alternately point a blow dryer at your nuts, followed immediately by the application of an ice pack to them, and then alternating the two for as long as you wish to be entertained. 
Then there is the vaginocavernosus reflex. This reflex is exhibited when the penis enters the woman’s vagina during intercourse. The reflex acts to squeeze the walls of the vagina, and results in an increased blood flow to the clitoris. This contraction of the vaginal walls also causes muscular constriction of the dorsal vein on the male’s engorged cock. This helps him maintain an erection while he’s inside her. So, as you can see, the vagina is not merely a passive receptacle for a man’s penis, but plays an active role during sex. How about that, my friends?
Then there’s the penomotor reflex. You won’t even find this on Google for some reason, but if you take your finger and place it in the entrance to the anus (bear with me here…), and then grasp or touch the glans (head) of the penis, you’ll feel your anal muscles contract. That is the result of the penomotor reflex, and it is believed to be the body’s proactive approach to keeping you from, um, taking a dump when you’re busy fucking. It works to a slightly lesser extent in females as well (the obvious exception being that the woman can touch her clitoris). Many people don’t realize how interconnected all of the muscles in the pelvic floor are with those that provide you (both sexes) with your orgasm. I’ll have more to say on this in the future.
And, finally, if you read my post about throat fucking earlier today, you are familiar with the pharyngeal reflex. This is also know as the gag reflex, and you can see it at work by touching something to the soft palate in the back of your throat. It is designed to keep things from going down your throat when you aren’t swallowing to keep you from choking. Of course, this gets in the way when you’re trying to deep throat one of those huge cocks. Fortunately, it is possible to train most reflexes (including that pesky gag reflex) such that you can suppress them, making deep throating possible.
Anyway, that is the medical lesson for today. I hope you found it enlightening.
Throat Fucking
May 27, 2008
In my post last month about my second outing as an official whore, I made a reference to being throat-fucked. Throat fucking is face-fucking’s debauched big sister for all intents and purposes. Face fucking is basically oral sex done with a bit more “umph” as most of you probably know – beyond just the basic “oral sex” that people usually associate with going down on a guy. In face fucking, the guy goes from being the passive partner to being the active partner, with the girl [or other guy] going from actually performing on the cock to just allowing their mouth to be penetrated, basically.
Throat fucking is full insertion face fucking, such that the head of the cock makes it into the throat itself, and the throat ends up providing much of the stimulation necessary to bring the guy off. This is face fucking on steroids, and requires that the person whose throat is being penetrated be able to deep throat (at least if you want to be able to do it without gagging or hurling). Basically, your face is fucked like your pussy (or ass) would be – pounded away pretty much unmercifully. I’m not going to get into the politics associated with this kind of sex, but suffice it to say that I believe as long as two people consent to doing what they’re doing, it’s no one else’s business. If you don’t find having your face railed like a cunt degrading then fuck what anyone else thinks about it.
The easiest way to do this is to lie down face up, and hang your head over the edge of the bed. This brings the canal of the mouth and the throat into a straight line (see the photo below), and allows for much greater penetration of the cavity. If you’re sitting on your knees, your throat makes an almost 90 degree bend downward from your mouth and, at least in my experience, most guy’s cocks won’t easily bend sufficiently to accommodate such a turn, especially downward. This forces the cock into the back of the throat, triggering the gag reflex for most people. The tendency for most cocks to bend slightly upward only exacerbates this situation. If you can learn to do it in an upright position (which is quite easy if you don’t have a gag reflex), then so much the better.
Of course, it is possible to train your gag reflex to relax and that will help, but putting your throat into a straight line will make it far easier to allow for deep penetration. Apparently some guys get off on the feeling of banging the back of the throat, causing you to gag. That’s’ your call to decide if you’re up for that. Personally, I hate gagging, but if it turns your guy on and that makes you hot, then by all means, knock yourself out!
I’d start out by going down on the guy in a typical position (i.e., on my knees), getting everything all wet and whatnot, and then slowly start sliding him into the back of my throat each time I go down on him. The back portions of the mouth and the throat produce more mucous and you’ll notice it starting to get much more slippery. This is not saliva, by the way. Saliva makes a good basic lube for oral, but to get that cock into your throat, you need to get it coated with that thicker mucous you find in the back of your mouth. This stuff is what makes swallowing food, pills, etc. possible. When you watch porn, all of that long, stringy goo coming out of the girls’ mouths during rough oral is this mucous. Sliding him into the back of your mouth will also allow you to begin to relax your gag reflex and your throat in preparation for what is to come.
Once you’re ready, roll over, hang your head off the bed, have him get into position, and take his cock into your mouth. He should start off SLOWLY going deeper into your mouth and your throat until you overcome your gag reflex and your throat relaxes enough to accommodate him. For guys with shorter cocks (“shorter” being relative to the depth of your mouth), this won’t take long. For those with the monster-length cocks, it may take longer and, in fact, you may never be able to accommodate his entire length. The throat narrows once it starts its way down into the chest, and if he is too long, or the head of his cock is too large, it may only go in so far. Forcing it down is only going to hurt you. The slightly upward curvature that many guys have will help avoid triggering your gag reflex to some degree when you’re in this position because it slides along the tongue into the throat as opposed to hitting the soft palate in the back of your mouth.
Many people make the mistake of leaning too far back over the bed, and this results in a less than optimal straight line. Consequently, it doesn’t seem to work any better than doing it on your knees. The trick is to ensure your mouth and throat form a straight path. Your head needs to be just off the edge, such that the back of your head is resting against the edge of the bed itself. This will help keep your neck from getting tired, too. Here’s a photo of someone doing it correctly - notice the alignment of her mouth and throat.
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Once everything is relaxed and he can bottom out (i.e., when his cock is all the way in and his nut sack makes contact with your nose and lips), then he can slowly increase his speed until it starts to become uncomfortable to you, if it does. For most people, it is doubtful you’ll get to the point where you’ll be comfortable with him fucking your face as hard as he would your cunt, but some can. If he’s too long to bottom out, you might consider wrapping your hand around his cock at the entrance to your mouth to help elongate the canal a bit – the slippery mucous coming out on his cock will help keep your hand lubed up.
The trickiest part in all of this is getting yourselves into a position where it will work like it should. Usually, the receiver has his/her head too far off the edge as I described earlier. But it is also not uncommon for the penetrator to be at an odd angle and have his cock still hitting you in the back of the throat. Most beds are too low to allow the guy to stand and do this with you in the correct position, and too high to allow him to be on his knees and do it. What usually work for me is to put some pillows under my back, right at the edge of the bed, and hang my head over those. Of course, if you have other furniture you can use, such as a couch, chair, desk, etc., these might be of suitable height to make it easier for you as well.
You also need to ensure you work out some kind of signal to use in case it gets to be too much for you. I usually tap the guy on the back of his leg or his ass if he’s getting too rough or going at it too hard. It is very easy for the guy to get too exuberant. The feeling of doing this combined with the visual he sees as he’s going into your mouth is going to be very powerful to him, and it is quite likely he’ll begin thrusting harder or deeper than you might be able (or willing) to accommodate. You can become injured if you don’t keep it under control.
You’ll need to practice your breathing technique to be able to do this for any length of time as well. If the guy is fucking you slowly, then you can take breaths between thrusts. If he’s railing you, though, that likely won’t be an option. It is best under those circumstances to try to hold your breath for a few seconds and let him go to town, have him stop for a couple of seconds so you can catch your breath, and repeat as desired. Mistiming your breathing during a thrust will cause you to start choking, and that will suck (no pun intended).
The visual you’ll get while doing this will also be interesting to you in all likelihood. You’ll see his nutsack hanging down and coming at your face with each thrust. If he gets to going pretty seriously, it may even slap your nose a bit. It is not unlike a regular 69 position with him on top, if you’ve ever done it that way before (and, in fact, throat fucking can be done fairly easily in a girl-on-top 69 position as well - the slight upward bend in most cocks will allow them to go into the throat and miss hitting that soft palate).
What to do when he cums. If you haven’t had your gag reflex triggered by the time he cums, this might do it. A strong jet of semen hitting the back of your throat will typically trigger your gag reflex even if you’ve learned to relax it while taking a cock down your throat. You’ve trained the soft palate in the back of your throat to understand the feeling of that cock and realize that it is not a choking threat. But that shot of cum will be a new sensation for it, and it thinks you’re about to choke on it, so it triggers the reflex.
There are three ways around this (or four if you can actually train your gag reflex not to trigger when a shot of semen hits it – if you can, kudos to you). Normally, when you’re giving head, you can cover the soft palate with your tongue, and that prevents the stream from hitting it. This is the way you (should) typically do it during “normal” head when the guy cums in your mouth.
The second alternative is for him to cum with the head of his cock in your throat past the soft palate (i.e., at full penetration). This will likely be an unusual and perhaps uncomfortable sensation to you the first couple of times you do it. Once you get used to it, however, it works really well. He can thrust into your throat, cumming just as he would if he was fucking your cunt or your ass, and the cum just shoots straight into your throat.
Keep in mind that your head is going to be inverted if you’re doing what I’ve described above. Gravity being what it is means that some of that cum is liable to drain back down into your mouth. If you hold your breath and don’t try to swallow when all of this is going on, then you can just let it drain down, hold it in your mouth, pull his cock out, turn over so your head is in a normal, upright position, and swallow like the little slut that you are.
The third method is known as the facial. He can pull out and finish himself off, jerking off onto your face (or your chest if you don’t enjoy facials).
All of this makes it sound extremely complicated and a lot of work to put yourself in a position where you can do this. In reality, though it sounds complicated, it isn’t. You just need to understand the positioning, train yourself to relax your gag reflex, teach yourself to breathe correctly during the penetrations, and understand how you need to react when the cum starts flowing. The best way to do all of this, of course, is to practice. There’s an excellent article on learning how to do the basics of deep throating HERE to get you started. Once you get to that down, then you can take the information here and put yourself on the road to learning how to throat fuck a cock.
What does it feel like to be throat fucked? That’s almost like asking what an orgasm feels like. It differs from person to person. You basically have a huge rod thrusting in and out of your mouth. Like most other forms of oral sex, what you get out of it will vary based on how you view the act. In an inverted position, you won’t be able to use your tongue to any great effect, for example. It’ll be positioned over the top of his cock, and all of the sensitive nerve endings are on the bottom. Most of his physical sensations are going to come from the head entering your throat. So you really won’t be able to actually perform on him to help expedite the process – he’s basically fucking your face just as he would your cunt. The remainder of his stimulation is going to come from the visuals he’s getting. If you are able to throat-fuck his cock while on your knees (or otherwise taking him as in regular oral), then of course that won’t apply – you’ll still potentially be able to use your tongue to one degree or another, though the speed may make it a bit difficult.
From a psychological perspective, you may find it to be very erotic. Throat fucking is a relatively new concept in terms of going “mainstream.” You only see it in porn and therefore it has that taboo, slutty kind of aura to it. For many women that makes it just that much hotter.
Again, if you’re going to try it, learn to deep throat first, then start off slowly. If you let him penetrate the depths of your throat too soon, it will choke you up and it will hurt like a bitch. You have to learn to relax your throat, control your breathing and work into a rhythm that works for the both of you. Once you get the hang of it, though, it can be an exciting addition to your sexual repertoire.
One thing you do need to keep in mind is that a good 90% of what you see in porn with respect to “throat fucking” is not done correctly. Or, rather, it isn’t true throat fucking in the pleasant sense of the word. The stuff seen in porn is designed to make the girls gag, choke and in some cases vomit. So you’ll see a lot of bad head/neck alignment in terms of being able to do this correctly. If you want to gag and choke, then do it like you see it done in porn. If you (both) want to enjoy the experience, though, you need to learn to do it correctly as I have outlined above.
Body Hair
May 26, 2008
Nikki and I went out to Olive Garden last night for dinner with a couple of friends. As is wont with a group of girls out on the town for the evening, we discussed quite the variety of gross and disgusting subjects. One of this evening’s topics was body hair.
Body hair to me is not unlike clothing - some looks work for some people, others just don’t. I do know that, as a general rule, I don’t like *any* body hair on women south of the neck, including the naughty bits. With guys, though, it is much more subjective - some look good with no body hair, others look better with body hair. I know some see that as sexist, but I don’t care. It is just a matter of aesthetics that women look better to me without any hair on them. I know that, in some cultures, women don’t shave their legs and I have to tell you, when I see a woman with hairy legs, I just want to hurl. The same is true for women with pit hair! *gag*
Since I am sure you want to know how I feel about some specifics, I’ll share them with you! 
Facial Hair
Mustaches and beards work on some guys, and on others it doesn’t. That’s as individual as the hair on your head. I do prefer that it be trimmed and neatly kept, though. If I have to dig through the hair on your face to find your lips…just, no. Women shouldn’t have mustaches. Period. If you have visible hair on your lips, for the love of all that is right in the world, get it waxed off.
Arm Pits
I hate pit hair on ANYONE, including guys. I know it looks a bit odd perhaps for a guy to shave his pit hair completely, but the sight of hair sticking out from under your arms just makes me want to gag. At the very least, trim it such that, when your arms are hanging down at your sides, you don’t have hair sticking out from under them! Please.
Chest Hair
This is a big one for guys, and definitely plays into that “what works for one, doesn’t for others” mojo. Some guys can pull off the cleanly shaven/waxed look with their chests/abs and get away with it, some can’t. Usually, it is the younger guys with the toned bodies upon which the hairless look works best.
Back Hair
Most guys look better without back hair, in my opinion. If it isn’t too thick, it really doesn’t matter, but if you look like Sasquatch, get it trimmed or better yet, waxed off.
Leg Hair
It is rare for a guy to look good without any leg hair, too, but some do. I know that a lot of swimmers (and I believe some bicyclists?) shave their leg hair off to enhance their competitive advantage. Quite honestly, though, the only guys I’ve seen look good with no leg hair are TGs!
Pubes
As I said at the outset, I very much prefer that women do away completely with the hair on their pussies. I don’t particularly care for going down on on a woman who has pubic hair, or at least much more than a strip of some kind. I guarantee you I’ll spend much more time concentrating on bathing your naughty bits with my tongue if you shave or wax it off. Anyone who’s gotten pubic hair in their mouth will understand why this is. It’s just a really gross feeling.
With guys, completely shaven looks a bit weird, though I don’t find it unacceptable. I know fucking a guy with no pubic hair causes a couple of irritations during sex - the noise of naked skin slapping against each other (which, I’ve heard, some people find to be erotic), and the meshing of two sweaty pieces of naked skin just isn’t comfortable to me.
I know if I had my druthers, guys would trim the hair back a good bit, and completely rid the shaft and the balls of hair. I *love* licking and sucking a guy’s nuts, but it is not as pleasant if there’s hair on them. If you shave your nut hair, I’ll spend far more time on them. Your call.
I also think you should get rid of all of the hair at the base of the shaft of your cock, especially if you’re going to be face-fucking or throat-fucking me. The saliva/mucous tends to collect in the hair at the base of the cock, which gets really nasty, and every time to bottom out in my mouth, my lips make contact with that mushy collection of material at the base of your shaft. Trust me, that is pretty gross. So for me to give you the perfect oral experience, get rid of the hair on the shaft and your nuts.
Ass Crack Hair
I also hate ass crack hair on either sex. And *everyone* has hair in the crack of their ass, even if they can’t feel it or see it in a mirror when they’re looking. Trust me, I’ve rimmed enough people to know this for a fact. The same rules apply with respect to me going down on your ass - if you want that extra special treatment, shave it or wax it out of there. And, just as a little secret, hairs back there tend to accumulate…paper and other…stuff from when you use the bathroom. Your ass stays cleaner if there’s no hair there to trap or hold those things, so no dingleberries without ass crack hair. kwim?
I do know it takes a bit of time to get used to not having hair back there, especially if you have had any substantial amount in the past. The feeling of your ass cheeks rubbing together without hair apparently produces some…unique sensations for many people, especially if you’re prone to crack perspiration.
And just for the record, I’ve been getting Brazilians since I was 15. My body is completely hairless from the neck down. If you’ve never had one, you should treat yourself to one at least once. Yes, it stings like fuck the first time you get one done, but if you take some ibuprofen an hour or so before you go in, that helps. And some spas now have topical anesthetic that will do away with the pain as well. The incredibly soft, baby-smooth feeling you get afterward, however, is well worth the few stings you endure to get there. Anyone who goes down on you is likely to agree with that sentiment as well.
Anyway, now you know how I feel about body hair. I’m sure that made your day. And my sincerest apologies if you caught this post while you were eating! Ha!
Oh, and by the way, I had the Stuffed Chicken Marsala and a slice of their yummy Lemon Cream Cake.
On Agency
May 26, 2008
Ren posted an excellent piece up on her blog about the concept of agency a few weeks ago. Agency, succinctly stated, is the ability to make rational, informed, thoughtful decisions for oneself, free of coercion. You will typically hear this term bandied about when it comes to the subject of abortion and a woman’s right to choose. Women, we are told, are stripped of their agency when the government coerces us into maintaining a pregnancy that we don’t want. The root of agency is the ability to choose your path in life, regardless of what that might be. This is somewhat of an oversimplification, but you get the point.
There are some radical feminists (radfems) who believe that women, by default, are incapable of fully exercising their agency because of the “oppression of the patriarchy.” Twisty is a shining example of this. As she sees it, women, especially young women, only think they are exercising their agency when they make choices. As she puts it, “(women) are merely prevented by an oppressive social order from exercising our capability to its fullest extent.” We are really only deluded automatons who’ve been oppressed, apparently covertly, by the males (and a number of collusary females) in our society, and we just can’t fully exert our own agency. But, it seems, only when it comes to engaging in sex work.
Apparently, we’re too dense to realize that, when we elect to go into stripping, prostitution, or some other line of work that involves thinking about, writing about, or expressing our sexuality, we’re not consciously making our own rational choices about it. Not surprisingly, this only applies when the choices we make are at odds with how the radfems would choose. Apparently they, by virtue of their time on this planet, are able to see through this oppression and overcome it to the point where they feel experienced enough to lecture those of us who happen to be younger than they are about the dangers of patriarchal oppression and its deleterious effects upon our decision-making processes. They have achieved Nirvana agency, while we haven’t. How convenient.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am no kowtow to patriarchal influence. I have always exerted my independence and done what I felt was best for me. In fact, I am a militant defender of the right to choose what one wants to do; what makes the best sense for that individual based upon his or her circumstances. I have been (and will always be) a vocal, militant defender of the right of a woman to choose whether or not to be pregnant, for example.
Now, obviously, no one makes decisions in a vacuum. We are all influenced by our life experiences, from home, work, school, religion, the media, and a host of other external impacts. For some women, yes, they make choices based on how they believe the men in their lives see them or want to see them, or based on faulty experiences in their past involving males (such as sexual abuse). As Ren so eloquently points out, however, if any one thing should call into question an individual’s ability to exercise their agency, then everything should be. And, if any decision made as a result of such oppression was subject to being questioned, then any decision so made should be subject to the same critique, no?
Being sexually abused does not, in and of itself, deprive one of the ability to exercise agency, even if those so abused elect to enter sex work. Curiously, you won’t hear the radfems argue that being sexually abused negates one’s choice to enter nursing, or real estate, or even work as a fast food cashier. It only affects your ability to enter sex work. Does that sexual abuse impact how they make their decisions? Hell, yeah, it does. Does it deprive them of their agency? Fuck, no, it doesn’t.
If someone were to suggest that women could not make rational decisions about obtaining an abortion because they were too deluded by the oppression of the patriarchy, and try to use that as a basis for legislating that choice away, the radfems would go absolutely bat shit crazy with rage. “How dare you claim that women don’t know what they’re doing!” ZOMG! This choice is not “oppressed” because it squares with the same outcome the radfems believe in. Ergo, it is a fine, upstanding, exhibition of one’s agency and shouldn’t be criticized or regulated. Somehow, though, when it comes to the choice to enter sex work, we completely lose any semblance of agency and are no longer making the “correct” choice.
When I made the decision to start taking my clothes off and dancing for a living, I never gave the first consideration about how men would view me with respect to that, largely because I just didn’t care. I chose to dance because it was something that interested me – something I thought I’d be good at. I wasn’t doing it to garner attention; I wasn’t doing it to bolster my self esteem; I wasn’t doing it to get back at the men in my life; I wasn’t doing it because the male dominated society told me that I was only worthwhile as a piece of meat to be groped at by a bunch of lecherous men. I did it because A) I was very comfortable with my body, B) I didn’t mind taking my clothes off in front of other people, C) I enjoyed using the psychology of the personal sales pitch to entice people, and D) because I knew that a significant quantity of money could be made by doing it. I had read a considerable amount of material about dancing, some of it positive, some of it negative. I had talked to women who danced for a living, and I had spoken with customers (of both sexes) about their views on dancers. I went into it fully aware of both the positive and negative ramifications of being a stripper.
One thing I did not do was decide to dance because it would garner me some approving stares from the males in the audience or to appease the patriarchy in some way. I saw it as a means to an end. I wanted to pay for school without having to incur a lot of debt, pure and simple. To me, I just don’t see how that can be attributed to anything but a rational, well-thought out decision (or, as known by another name, agency). Unless, of course, you have an inherent aversion to sex work and have to find a way to explain why someone, a woman, would elect to pursue such an option. You’re beginning to see a pattern here, aren’t you?
Quite honestly, though, I can see why some old(er) women like Twisty are compelled to think this way. The sexual dynamics of our culture are changing, and it conflicts with their increasingly conservative views of female sexuality. Women are beginning to assert themselves sexually on a scale not seen before. Seriously. And I’m not just talking about electing to have sex when we want to. That’s so old school feminism. God help you if you ever get a radfems involved in a discussion about whether it is oppressive for a woman to take a facial from a guy. Or perform an upside down, head hanging off the side of the bed blow job. Or be involved in a polyamorous relationship. These acts are all the result of being oppressed by our male dominated society and thus are suspect in the eyes of the radfems.
Yes, today, young women (and young men) are subjected to the tremendous hypersexualization of our culture, and all that that entails. Is that good or bad? Only time will tell. Many argue that it involves the overt objectification of women, as if this is some sort of new claim that must be used to counter the growing sexualization of our culture. Anyone paying attention, though, sees that this affects males just as much as it does women. Half naked men are used to sell almost as much stuff these days as use half naked women. Both genders are being “objectified.” Is that good or bad? I don’t know – I don’t think it is inherently either, since it depends largely upon the context in which it is used. It can be bad or good.
As I see it, even within the context of a committed, monogamous, emotionally-attached relationship, sexual interplay is still based on the objectification of the other party(ies) involved in the exchange. You can’t make a rational argument that it isn’t. You can give it some context such that it doesn’t seem as lurid as a random, one-time fuck, but the fact remains that sexual interplay, by default, involves an objectification of someone else. The whole concept of non-procreative sex revolves around that very concept – you are using that other person as an object (i.e., objectification) to get yourself off with.
I do know that it is not going away, though. Not in the near future to be sure. As I see it, it is just one step in the continuing metamorphosis of our culture. You can sit back like Twisty and moan and groan about the oppression of women and watch nothing happen except the whining and bitching. Or, you can try to understand why it is happening and learn to adapt to it and roll with it, perhaps even use it to your advantage. If you believe all sexual interactions are, by default, an “us vs. them” proposition, then you’re in for a long ride. I prefer to operate under the philosophy that sexual interplay is just one more level of interaction that we as human beings seek out with others. It is how you choose to perceive it that will determine whether that is a positive or negative for you. Regardless, you don’t get to decide for me how I am going to view it, and you don’t get to critique the choices I make based on how I view sexuality within my own existence. If you truly view human sexuality as an “us vs. them” proposition, I’d submit that you are the one who is oppressed. Or is it repressed? Either way, you lose, not me. I am content with where I am. Does this mean I lose my feminist cred? I don’t think so. Perhaps it does make me a new breed of feminist, though.
I say all of this to make a point. I have chosen, freely, to enter the world of sex work. For the past few years, I’ve been taking my clothes off, giving lap dances, and separating customers from large quantities of money. It’s paid for two brand new cars, a luxury apartment, a nice house, and three years at a private university. Very, very few women my age come anywhere close to that. If that is the result of patriarchal oppression, I’m not sure I want to complain about it.
The same is true for the new line of work I’ve elected to pursue. In many ways, it will be very similar to what I’ve been doing. Obviously, with dancing, there was no penetration of my body, but the idea is similar – the selling of sexual services: Fantasy with dancing, orgasm with escort work. Is there that much of a difference? To some, yes. To others, not so much.
I have stated from the outset that I don’t know if I will be able to do this. And I have promised to be honest about it here. I will admit that I am attracted to the potential glamour of the work – the money; the traveling; the meeting of new people; the exploration of human sexuality that it will involve. I am also very cognizant of the potential negatives associated with the work – the stigma, the potential for diseases, the potential for being harmed, etc. Has the hypersexualization of our culture goaded me into making this choice? Quite honestly, I don’t know. And, also quite honestly, I don’t give a shit. But I have made the choice – it wasn’t foistered upon me through some coercive patriarchal oppression scheme.
I am also fully aware of the fact that people will be using me to get themselves off in many cases. And yes, I understand this is objectifying me. Like many others who’ve come before me, however, I see this no different than being objectified because I can hit a ball 430 feet, or can perform complex calculus functions in my head on the fly, or can flip a hamburger patty frying on a grill on a predetermined time pattern. Everyone who works is objectified on one level or another. Period. The singular difference that matters to the radfems, though, is that my work involves sex. All of the other “objectifications” are fine with them, just not that which involves sex. I think you can see the disparity there.
It is work. And the mere fact that you personally might find it egregious that I would elect to enter that line of work does not make my choice to do so freely any less valid than anyone else’s choice to do what they do. Whether you like it or not, you simply have no choice but to respect my decision because it was made the same, exact way you made the choice to do what you do to earn a living. If you don’t respect my decision, then you must, by default, not respect the decision you made to enter the line of work you’re in. You can’t have it both ways.
The Body as a Tool
May 24, 2008
In a conversation I had with Nina, we were discussing the role estrogen and testosterone play in female sexuality. She made the point that it is surprising how many women don’t understand how their bodies work. Sadly, I have to agree. And, while it is a shame that everyday women don’t understand it, when you use your body as one of the tools to do your job, as is the case with those of us who work in the sex industry, it is especially troubling. I encountered a situation yesterday that stands as a marked tribute to this.
I was a member of a forum that escorts and other sex workers use to discuss things like personal safety, how to deal with finances, marketing, and a wide range of other topics that pertain to the business we’re in. One of the threads in the Health Forum had to do with menstruation. One woman wanted to know how the others of us dealt with that time of the month when it came to work. I made the point that I had just switched to Lybrel to prevent my monthly visit from even being an issue with work. Lybrel is the hormonal birth control pill that you take for a full year uninterrupted; you don’t experience a period for a full year (or ever if you start the next cycle immediately. It was approved by the FDA in 2006, and has undergone a huge series of clinical testing to ensure its safety, like all other hormonal birth control (hormonal BC is the single most studied class of medications in history, btw).
The board’s administrator posted a reply that said, “Your body has periods regularly to get rid of the waste each month, and it is harmful to interfere with that.”
I responded with an explanation that, when you’re on hormonal birth control, you don’t have any “waste” to get rid of. The bleeding you experience when you’re on BC is a faux period - one caused by the withdrawal of the hormones in your BC pill (or patch, ring, whatever mechanism you use).
Many people don’t realize this, in fact, but the period you experience when you’re using hormonal methods of contraception isn’t a true period. It helps to understand how the normal menstrual cycle works, so some background is in order.
When you ovulate each month, this triggers a number of different processes in your body, all in anticipation of getting pregnant and carrying a child. Among these is a substantial increase in the endometrium (inner lining) of the uterus. This takes places so that when the fertilized egg makes it to the uterus, it has a nice cushy uterine lining to embed in. The blood rich lining provides nourishment to the developing blastocyst until the amniotic sac develops and so forth. When there is no fertilized egg to implant, your body has to get rid of that excess tissue in your uterus, and that is what the process of menstrual flow (discharge) is all about. That chunky material that comes out is bits and pieces of what lined your uterus.
Now, obviously, if you suppress ovulation, these processes don’t occur. And that is exactly what hormonal birth control does - it prevents you from ovulating each month. No ovulation, no build up in the uterine wall, no “waste” to discharge. Seems like a simple concept, but I completely understand how many people who’ve not taken the time to study how BC works might not realize that. The period you experience on monthly BC was specifically designed to mimic the “natural cycle” of the female menstrual process and was designed for absolutely no other purpose, so to the average person, it still appears to be a “normal” period, though lighter (appearing lighter because, again, those chunks from your uterine lining aren’t coming out).
This case was different, though. The woman who originally replied with the “waste” post did so again thusly: “Alexa, I am an escort of 11 years, and a Registered Nurse. The body produces the waste every month that has to be eliminated.”
I was stunned! This woman claims to be a nurse and is apparently completely oblivious as to the basic principles regarding how contraception works. Perhaps she missed the lecture on the basics of contraception? I’m not sure.
Now, in many other forums I would’ve bitch slapped her and pointed out that she was deluded. However, I was new here, and not wanting to come off as an ass, I thought it’d be best if I pointed her to some confirmation of what I was saying. So I pointed her to this article on MedicineNet, and quoted the relevant section thusly:
Eliminating Menstrual Cycles While Lybrel is the first oral contraceptive designed to completely stop menstruation, Steve Goldstein, MD, says that’s not as dramatic as it sounds. Understanding how the menstrual cycle works helps to understand why. Normally, says Goldstein, a rise in hormones linked to ovulation causes the lining of the uterus to thicken in anticipation of a fertilized egg. If fertilization does not occur, hormone levels drop and the lining is shed in the form of menstrual blood. Oral contraceptives, however, change that activity. “The pill shuts down your normal hormone production and replaces it with a very tiny amount, so there is no buildup of the uterine lining,” says Goldstein, a professor at NYU Medical Center in New York City. Without a lining, there is no shedding, so the bleeding that occurs when you stop the pill is a “withdrawal bleed caused by a drop in hormones,” explains Goldstein. Goldstein tells WebMD that the monthly bleeding that occurs during pill use is unnecessary, so avoiding it — the way you can with Lybrel — should have no impact on health. Moreover, Goldstein says the menstrual cycle and fertility should return soon after stopping this pill, much the way it does with other oral contraceptives.
That mimics almost word for word what I had posted, no?
Now, upon reading this, the logical reaction would perhaps be to say, you know, I was wrong. Damn. You learn something new every day, and get on with bi’ness.
But, apparently, logic is not this woman’s forte. Her reaction was to delete my post a few minutes after I made it. I PM’ed her and suggested that deleting my post was a rather immature reaction. She replied to me that she “…didn’t need some 20 something year old la [sic] drama queen telling her how to run her forum.” And then deleted my account. Just like that. Gone. Banned. For trying to ensure people had accurate information.
This saddens me for a variety of reasons. First, I have to wonder if any other sex worker who has the audacity to question something this apparently infallible administrator says has been deleted (or would be)? Doing this deprives us access to information that is critical to our health and safety. So, in effect, this administrator is more concerned with saving her own face than the actual safety of those she insists she’s trying to help. Rather disingenuous in my opinion.
Second, the board is supposed to be (allegedly) about providing honest, legitimate information to the women in the sex industry. This “nurse” is providing obviously bogus information about menstruation and contraception. That could easily be a health risk to the women who don’t know any better and take her information as gospel.
Third, this woman makes her living with her body and she has no idea how hormonal contraception and menstruation work together. Her body is one of her most important tools she has (along with her personality, her looks, her intellect [such as it is]), and just as is the case with any other job, it is critical that you understand how the tools you have at your disposal work and how to use them. The functioning of your reproductive system must be seen as critical knowledge for women to begin with, but this is especially true of women who work in the sex industry in my opinion.
Fourth, and perhaps most troubling to me, this woman is a health care provider and she has no idea how hormonal contraception works and how it affects the body. Maybe she works in a position where that knowledge is not necessary, I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to show up at her hospital for treatment any time soon!
Anyway, as I have suggested in the past, female sexuality and all that it entails is incredibly complex and complicated. It pains me that so many women lack an understanding of even the basics of menstruation and how hormonal contraception works especially, since this is a fundamental part of being female. I know when my doctor originally prescribed BC for me, there was no mention whatsoever of how it did what it did. I believe that knowledge would help women use it more effectively, thereby empowering women. Knowledge is power. Application of that (correct) knowledge makes you powerful. Keeping yourself and others in the dark about it, especially when you’ve had the truth put before you is not only disempowering, it is irresponsible. I can only hope she’s not as clueless about how STIs are transmitted and how they affect the body - not just for her, but her clients as well.
Sexual Fluidity in Females
May 23, 2008
I spent the better part of today recuperating from my packing yesterday, laying out in our backyard working on my tan. I tan easily, and the Florida sun was built for tanning as best I can tell. And, since I hate tan lines, I always tan nude. Fortunately, we have a back yard that permits that kind of activity without us having to worry about being gawked at by neighbors (not that I’d care). I got a couple of hours in before the clouds started building and the rains came. It never fails, on or about May 20th every year, you can count on those afternoon thunderstorms popping up and ruining what’s left of the afternoon. They usually only stick around for about an hour or so, but afterward, the humidity is usually so bad it is hard to do anything outside until the sun starts falling toward the horizon.
I always read and listen to my iPod when I’m enjoying the sun. My current book is called Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, by Dr. Lisa Diamond, a Psychology professor at the University of Utah. In it, she basically posits that the study of female sexuality has been lacking somewhat, and what has been undertaken is almost always based around concepts that define male sexuality. She asserts that, while male sexual orientation is largely dichotomous in nature, female sexual orientation is much more varied or, as she puts it, fluid. One review said:
From Publishers Weekly
Many women experience a fluid sexual desire that is responsive to a person rather then a specific gender, argues Diamond n this fascinating and certain to be controversial study. Diamond, associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, is best when detailing, with vivid examples, how scientific studies of sexual desire and behavior have focused on the experience of men, for whom the heterosexual/homosexual divide seems mostly fixed. Diamond says traditional labels for sexual desire are inadequate; for some women even bisexual does not truly express the protean nature of their sexuality. Diamond details in accessible and nuanced language her own study of 100 young women (by her own admission not fully representative) over a period of 10 years. She says that she is calling for an expanded understanding of same-sex sexuality that could radically affect both LGBT activists who hold that sexual identity is fixed and antigay groups who believe sexuality is chosen. Sexual fluidity involves a mix of internal and external factors, but is not, Diamond emphasizes, a matter of conscious choice, and she speculates that a younger generation that views sexuality as personal rather than political might embrace this less rigid view.
I’ll have much more to say on this in later posts. As you may know (or will come to know), I am an avid student of human sexuality. The whole construct of what defines us as sexual beings and how we interact with and among others sexually has just fascinated me since I was in my mid-teens. That’s why I have elected to make it my life’s work.
One point she’s made (and granted, I am only in Chapter 6 now) is that the vast majority of women tend to experience their sexual orientation based on situational constructs. Many, for example, identify as heterosexual, but experience attractions, both emotional and physical to other women. Most, of course, never act on them. But some, given the right set of circumstances, can or will.
This falls perfectly in line with an assertion I have made for several years now. I have said on many occasions (and in many different venues) that a good 80% of “straight” women could be convinced to play with the other team given the right set of circumstances. This assertion comes from my own personal experience seducing straight women. For a good portion of my high school and early college careers, I pursued other girls, flirted with them, and got most of them in bed for their first lesbian experiences. Some people called it sport fucking, and I guess in reality that is what it was. In my own mind I knew how incredible it felt to be sexually intimate with another woman, and I wanted others to have that experience as well. I didn’t do it just to be doing it, though. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase, yes, but I knew that, once they were in bed and found out what it was like, they’d see a whole new side of themselves sexually. And to a person they all saw it as a positive experience (at the time, anyway). To me, opening someone’s eyes to a previously unexplored aspect of their sexuality is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Anyway, if you get the chance, pick up a copy of the book, especially if you’re a female. I guarantee you it will increase your understanding of female sexuality.
I’ll have more to say on this as I progress through the book, probably.
Packing and Getting Ready to Move
May 22, 2008
It is truly amazing how much shit you can accumulate as you move through life.
I’ve spent the past two days picking out and packing clothes, shoes, and other miscellaneous personal items to be shipped to San Francisco, and I was astounded at how much crap I have! I have over 60 pairs of shoes! WTF? Many of them were work shoes, but still.
I do have a rather large pile of stuff that I am donating to Goodwill, though I’m not sure what they’ll do with the fishnet shirts and stripper heels I’ve placed in that pile. A lot of stuff I don’t/can’t wear any more is in a pile to be thrown away – stuff that is torn up, my vast collection of undies (including some bras that I still have left over from my 34B days) and whatnot.
Since Nikki is staying in Florida, I am not moving much furniture; just a few items that I have to have or mean that something to me. My computer desk, for example, will be going. Our large plasma TV is staying with Nik, though. I’ll have to rent one when I get to Cali – I can’t do without those crystal clear, high-def, wide-screen images. I will miss the Surround Sound system we have, though. I am quite sure the folks in the adjoining apartments would have some issues with me installing one of those and playing music and videos as loud as we do here at the house, thin walls being what they are in most apartment buildings. I’ll be curious to see whether or not it’ll be easy to tell if someone next door to you, above you, or below you is fucking. Or, at least, enjoying it.
I have a moving company that is going to pick my stuff up on June 13th and transport it out to the Bay Area for me. Once I get there, get into my apartment and get my furniture delivered, I’ll have them deliver my stuff to me. I’ve decided to rent my bedroom and den furniture from Cort. I haven’t decided which of these bedroom designs I like best, though (if it asks you for a location to see the designs, enter San Francisco, CA). Any thoughts?
I am also jumping through several legal hoops before I leave. For example, I am taking my name off the mortgage on our house. I have to do this because, if I were to be arrested, the government can claim I was using proceeds from my escort work to pay for the house, and they could seize it. That’s called “money laundering” and is what got Palfrey in trouble. Idiotic, I know, but I have to cover my assets!
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been talking with several women who’ve been in the companion business for awhile. They’ve gone out of their way to help me out with a ton of information about things like screening clients, offers to help me find my way around the city, and a variety of other odds and ends. I don’t want to publish names, but to those of you who’ve helped me out and offered to in the future, I want you to express publicly my appreciation for your offers. One misconception I had about going into this line of work is that every other working girl in the area must be seen as a competitor, and nothing could be further from the truth. Everyone I have approached has extended every courtesy and offered to help me any way they can. That’s a very comforting feeling, and means the world to a n00b! In my post about my last night dancing, I spoke of the unique spirit of the women who worked at the club. I sense a bit of that going on here as well. Sadly, I think there’s probably a much greater need for it in this business than in the dancing business.
Anyway, I’ve written a draft for my post on throat fucking, as promised. But I am one of those people who wants to review it several times before I post something of that caliber. It’s coming, I promise. I know some of you with the more prurient interests had rather read that then me ranting about packing my shit, so I’ll get it up in rather short order. lol
So, back to packing. *sigh*
Quick Update
May 15, 2008
Just a quick update to let you guys know I haven’t fallen off the planet.
After graduation, I spent the weekend and most of this week with my parents and Nikki’s, and tomorrow we’re headed to Disney World for three days of fun and frivolity. I’ll have more posts next week, perhaps including one on what it feels like to be throat fucked. I was thinking about that earlier and thought it might make for an interesting read for some of you.
I also have a funny story to tell about Nikki’s parents’ first trip to Haulover Beach.
College Graduate
May 8, 2008
Tomorrow evening at 5:00PM, the University of Miami holds its Commencement for those graduating in the Arts and Sciences departments. Yours truly will be receiving her diploma, graduating magna cum laude with a 3.98 GPA (one B in my entire college course load). I am graduating after five years in school – I had to spend an extra year in due to a change of majors. I originally went in as a Business Administration major, and changed to Psychology when I decided I wanted to pursue a career in human sexuality. My parents and Nikki’s parents are in town to help us celebrate.
Anyway, there’s no real point to this other than to taut the fact that I will be joining the 28% (+/-) of the U. S. population that has a college degree, and celebrating my own achievement. I don’t do that last part often, but I am making an exception in this case. Nikki graduated last spring with her degree in Business Administration, so now we are both well-edumahcated!
This fall, I will begin working on my Master’s Degree in Human Sexuality Studies at San Francisco State University. I am very much looking forward to that. In fact, this semester has dragged on because I have been looking forward to working on that graduate degree.
